Let it be the silence
Words unspoken
Nothing to guide us except our hands,
our mouths, our eyes
Hungry and feeding, insatiable desire
Longing looks
of unsatisfied lust, deeply craving soul shattering lust
Silence broken
by the sounds of our lust
Of bodies molded together, of flesh against flesh,
lips against lips
Sounds of arousal, sounds of passion, sounds of
our sex
Silence broken by whispers
Whispers of want, whispers of need
Words never
uttered before, shyness and hesitation abandoned
Left behind and forgotten
the moment upon your entry
Whispers from a toy, your toy
Into the ear of
a boss, her boss, her master, her lover
Whispers revealing her burning desire, her
need for the cock that owns her
The cock that dominates her, the cock she
worships, the cock she craves
Let it be me
Who succumbs
To the pleasure, to the pain, to you
Who
brings forth my body, offering it to you
Withholding nothing from my boss, my
master, my lover
Whose barriers are broken, left unshielded, tragically
thrown aside
Occupying your mind, a constant reminder of your desire
Who
fulfills every desire, every command
Who teeters towards dangerous
infatuation, dangerous lust, dangerous love
Let it be you
Who controls
Own this little girl, your little girl
Make
me beg, make me quiver, make me cry, make me want, make me come, make me scream,
make me yours, make me a creation just for you
Your fuck toy, your slut, your
bitch, your baby, your pussy
Take this slutty wet pussy, to own, to fuck, to
taste
Leave me vulnerable, leave me naked, leave me wanting more
Who
cherishes his toy, his fuckable little girl
Who aches for me, who needs his
toy to reach his ultimate
Your ultimate of desire, your ultimate
fuck
Let it be you whispering to me
Beautiful dirty whispers, from a
boss to his toy
Let It Be
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
The Hunt, Porn, Cheating, and the Fact that Women like New Dick
I was reading a post on black girls are easy and read a post called "New Pussy is Overrated." It's quite a funny and interesting blog and written by a man who keeps it brutally honest. The post surprised me because I've read some posts where the author has gone on about the joys of new pussy. The topic made me think of a conversation M and I had a few weeks ago. At first we were discussing porn and I was explaining why I'm fine with it because I've never felt like I was competing with porn. I've never been with a man who had a real addiction for it and would rather watch porn than have sex with me. He began to say its because I'm so hot it's like I'm a porn star. But I disagreed. Even if I was the hottest girl ever, there will always be another hottie and it can be exciting to watch strangers do nasty stuff. Sometimes its just about watching nasty shit and if the person is hot, that's just a cherry on top. Watching porn has nothing to do with how hot the person you're fucking is, you're just gonna watch if you like porn.
While I think that having a significant other who you have good sex with can significantly cut down on porn watching, nothing will completely eliminate a man's need to watch it. The thrill of seeing new pussy can be the next best thing as getting it. My ex husband liked to watch porn a lot, and hid it from his first wife. She was cute, but honestly you could very easily see hotter women on porn. But even though she was just cute, he would have rather had sex. He watched a lot because he was young guy and his wife only wanted sex once a month. He would have rather fucked her every day and watched porn once a month. I never thought the issue of porn or cheating came down to hotness.
How many of us have said, "How could he/she cheat??!!?! I'd die to hit that," yadda yadda yadda. When Halle Berry was getting cheated on women found solace in it and men called her husband a dumb ass. Saying, "Even Halle Berry got cheated on," isn't any excuse for a man to cheat. Its not being beautiful that keeps a man from cheating. Lets be real, if a man has enough power, influence, fame, swag, game, good looks or whatever you want to call it to be with Halle Berry then he can use those same qualities to attract other women. The guy was probably getting top shelf ass before Halle Berry. A really beautiful woman isn't going to be as impressive when you're used to really beautiful women. Shit you see everyday inevitably becomes less impressive. Sure you can still love it, appreciate it, admire it, but once you've seen it and had it the wow factor changes.
Most beautiful, powerful women don't marry Kevin Federlines, and I know plenty of women who wanted to fuck K-Fed based on the fact that he was Britney Spear's husband. I'm not trying to excuse poor behavior but famous men have pussy thrown at them on a regular basis. I bet some of the women who had sex with Halle's ex husband did it because it made them feel like they were on Halle's level. They told themselves "He could be fucking Halle Berry but he's fucking me." They thought, "I must be just as pretty or even more desirable than she is." I'm sure some of the women he banged were beautiful and I'm sure some of them were not. They fail to see it was less about how they looked but it was more about the fact that they were different.
As gorgeous as Halle Berry is, we don't know what she is like in the bedroom. When people proclaim "How could they risk losing that...," they are acting as if hotness is the only precursor to good sex. I don't care how gorgeous a man or woman is, if they are a corpse fuck, or you're super nasty and they're more of a prude, or the sex has landed at boringville or significantly declined, then it will never work out. I'd sure like to lick Ian Somerhalder, and it may be better than winning the super bowl the first time, but once the wow factor wears off and you realize Ian comes in 2 minutes and has no clue where the clit is, that cute guy who works at starbucks will look a lot more appealing. Being dissatisfied will make the eyes wander and the mind wonder even more. For the record, nobody deserves to be cheated on but nobody is above being cheated on.
Nine times out of ten, guys would rather do a really average chick than jerk to porn even if the women on screen are super hot. Of course there are some guys who don't like porn at all or have a real compulsion, but for the most part I always felt like guys would rather be doing than watching. Its also what I see with my job. When a man is in good relationship with a woman he likes, he rarely comes to a strip club. Even if he was a regular previous to meeting her, his visits cut down by at least 75% once he is getting sex on the regular and is pretty happy with his woman. Again, this leads me to believe that men will rather have the real thing and not an illusion.
But that is what is so tricky about new pussy and new dick. Its an illusion without really being an illusion. Its not some image of women moaning and pretending they like it. New pussy and new dick may actually want to fuck you. We've all heard the saying that "For every beautiful woman there is a guy tired of fucking her." M actually said it when our discussion moved on from porn to sex and it made me think of something in the past. M used to work at a restaurant where this woman would come in. She was a regular customer, and married but had a few flings with some of the other male regulars. One night M met this woman's husband and I remember M going on about how nice the guy was, a police officer, good looking, yet his wife was cheating on him. Then he said "he'd have no problem finding another girl." While that may be true, it seemed that he was pretty much calling this woman stupid for cheating on a "great guy like that." I'm not excusing the cheating, but what he didn't seem to get was that maybe the girl was just chasing new dick. She probably wasn't looking for an upgrade. I threw out the "Well maybe the guy is an asshole," but I wanted to say, "The guy may be a good guy, but its the same dick." Yet I didn't say it. While it could be that the guy was an asshole, or they don't click sexually, it could just be that the thought of new dick was too enticing for her to pass up.
When a guy cheats on a "good" woman we usually get "that's the way guys are." When a woman cheats on a "good" man we say the guy must be an asshole, she must be stupid, or she's a whore. Generally there is always something "wrong" with the woman who cheats, or the guy has to be horribly fucked up to drive her to cheat. Women don't cheat for the thrill of new dick the way men cheat for the thrill of new pussy. This is a misconception. Perhaps it is because men think women don't think this way. Men think we don't look at attractive men and think "I wonder what he's like in bed?"
That's the difference with a lot of men and women. Guys will just throw it out there, but women always feel the need to protect guys supposedly fragile egos. He said men cheat/look at porn because of the thrill of new pussy, and I said women cheat because the guy is an asshole EVEN THOUGH I was thinking she just wants new dick. Perhaps the male ego is fragile, I don't know. But it always seems like women should just accept guys being guys, and if a woman does the same shit there is just something wrong with her. We tiptoe around a woman's sexuality and don't throw around the phrase, "For every hot guy with a pension there is a woman who is tired of fucking him." We just downgrade them to a slut and move on.
I don't mind porn but I wonder how many men would be okay if they came home and found their woman flicking their bean to a poster of David Beckham in his underwear? Would men be totally okay with finding their woman moaning to thought of Taye Diggs pounding her? I bet that a lot of the men who whine about their "uptight wives" who bitch about their porn watching would feel just as inadequate and ugly as some women feel when they catch you whacking it to Jenna J or whomever.
While I don't watch porn anymore, I masturbate to the thought of other men. Its not frequent but it happens. I think its pretty natural for people to do it, but women usually have to pretend to a much greater extent than men that they never think of anyone else.
New dick is on the same level as new pussy. Women love feeling desired and there is nothing more desirable than a guy who really wants to fuck you. New dick looks at you the way old dick doesn't anymore, he's giving you compliments, his dick is halfway hard just watching you walk away, he tells you you're the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, he looks at you like he wants to eat you alive, and you know he'll quit his job just to sink his dick into you. New dick can be pretty tempting. But its an illusion. The sex will be good because its new, not necessarily because its good sex. And even if the sex is great what does it really get you? Nothing really.
If your single, new sex can be great, but if you're in a relationship it makes you a coward. Cheaters are weak people with no balls. They lack the ability to man up. They're some of the most selfish people you will ever fucking meet. I know because I was a cheater. I had every excuse in the book. They're all excuses. "I stay for the kids, sexless marriage, monogamy isn't natural, my partner won't find out, that's just the way I am, I'm a guy, I can't get a divorce......" There is no "good reason" to cheat. It boils down to be being too chicken shit to say to your partner that you want out. Its being too selfish to let the other person out of the relationship because you want to have your cake and eat it too. If all the excuses aren't enough to keep yourself from fucking someone else, then why should they be so important to make you stay and lie? It's impossible to cheat without consequence. Just like there is no such thing as a free lunch, there is no such thing as free sex when you're in a relationship.
It takes the right frame of mind to get past "new sex euphoria." I used to tell myself it's not natural to be monogamous, and maybe that is true to some extent. But most people can't handle the thought of someone they care about with someone else. When I was a cheater I was a new dick chaser. Having someone in the line up ready to play was just as fun as the sex itself. I ranted about cheaters just now I know, but I get it. I understand the reason people do it. I know its insanely difficult to tell your partner you cheated, especially if your partner has done nothing wrong. For a long time I didn't even know why I was cheating. I thought I just liked fucking. I do like fucking but compulsive new pussy and dick chasers are pretty insecure people. At some point its time to grow up and realize that you can have great experiences with the opposite sex that doesn't involve their genitals. You can see a woman as a person and not as a conquest to add another notch on your bedpost. A lack of maturity makes you think that fucking someone new can give you something worthwhile. The hunt will make you stupid, reckless and mess up something great you could have with your partner.
New pussy and new dick are like fun jobs that don't pay well. You know it's not a career, but some dumb ass will try to make it a career. Dumb asses think that every job they get has to be fun even if they live on ramen noodles. They can't handle a job with even a mediocre amount of responsibility, even if the pay is way better. Its the same with chronic new pussy chasers. They fail to see the bigger picture. They only look at the immediate gratification and fail to see that with a lil" hard work you earn a lot more. Dumb asses think that having a fun, easy job puts them above people who have to "work for a living," the same way chronic pussy and dick chasers think they have outsmarted the rest of us by avoiding relationships. They see avoiding any work as the ultimate in life. Sure there are some people who will be more content with a peanut salary or just fucking random people but the majority of us NEED to be challenged. No matter how we try to delude ourselves its FEAR that drives us to stay in the same circle.
There is nothing wrong with taking the easy road sometimes. I'm not trying to say that if you're doing something easy you're wasting your time. Sometimes we just need to have fun. But a coward will continually pass up great, rewarding careers because the work scares them and they are too afraid to fail. The same can be said for relationships. There are times when the fun shitty job is appropriate, and chasing new ass is appropriate. Sometimes you need to build a resume, and sleeping with different people can be fun and help you figure out what you like. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and you learn by being challenged. There is nothing challenging about getting new dick or new pussy. You can always find someone to fuck you. The real challenge is finding someone to love you, learn from, and genuinely enjoy your company.
I'll admit that new dick does cross my mind, but I just can't be that person anymore. Its a horrible way to treat someone and I feel pretty ashamed that I was that person. But at the same time its given me a better understanding of myself. For me the hunt is over. And I found a pretty spectacular prize.
While I think that having a significant other who you have good sex with can significantly cut down on porn watching, nothing will completely eliminate a man's need to watch it. The thrill of seeing new pussy can be the next best thing as getting it. My ex husband liked to watch porn a lot, and hid it from his first wife. She was cute, but honestly you could very easily see hotter women on porn. But even though she was just cute, he would have rather had sex. He watched a lot because he was young guy and his wife only wanted sex once a month. He would have rather fucked her every day and watched porn once a month. I never thought the issue of porn or cheating came down to hotness.
How many of us have said, "How could he/she cheat??!!?! I'd die to hit that," yadda yadda yadda. When Halle Berry was getting cheated on women found solace in it and men called her husband a dumb ass. Saying, "Even Halle Berry got cheated on," isn't any excuse for a man to cheat. Its not being beautiful that keeps a man from cheating. Lets be real, if a man has enough power, influence, fame, swag, game, good looks or whatever you want to call it to be with Halle Berry then he can use those same qualities to attract other women. The guy was probably getting top shelf ass before Halle Berry. A really beautiful woman isn't going to be as impressive when you're used to really beautiful women. Shit you see everyday inevitably becomes less impressive. Sure you can still love it, appreciate it, admire it, but once you've seen it and had it the wow factor changes.
Most beautiful, powerful women don't marry Kevin Federlines, and I know plenty of women who wanted to fuck K-Fed based on the fact that he was Britney Spear's husband. I'm not trying to excuse poor behavior but famous men have pussy thrown at them on a regular basis. I bet some of the women who had sex with Halle's ex husband did it because it made them feel like they were on Halle's level. They told themselves "He could be fucking Halle Berry but he's fucking me." They thought, "I must be just as pretty or even more desirable than she is." I'm sure some of the women he banged were beautiful and I'm sure some of them were not. They fail to see it was less about how they looked but it was more about the fact that they were different.
As gorgeous as Halle Berry is, we don't know what she is like in the bedroom. When people proclaim "How could they risk losing that...," they are acting as if hotness is the only precursor to good sex. I don't care how gorgeous a man or woman is, if they are a corpse fuck, or you're super nasty and they're more of a prude, or the sex has landed at boringville or significantly declined, then it will never work out. I'd sure like to lick Ian Somerhalder, and it may be better than winning the super bowl the first time, but once the wow factor wears off and you realize Ian comes in 2 minutes and has no clue where the clit is, that cute guy who works at starbucks will look a lot more appealing. Being dissatisfied will make the eyes wander and the mind wonder even more. For the record, nobody deserves to be cheated on but nobody is above being cheated on.
Nine times out of ten, guys would rather do a really average chick than jerk to porn even if the women on screen are super hot. Of course there are some guys who don't like porn at all or have a real compulsion, but for the most part I always felt like guys would rather be doing than watching. Its also what I see with my job. When a man is in good relationship with a woman he likes, he rarely comes to a strip club. Even if he was a regular previous to meeting her, his visits cut down by at least 75% once he is getting sex on the regular and is pretty happy with his woman. Again, this leads me to believe that men will rather have the real thing and not an illusion.
But that is what is so tricky about new pussy and new dick. Its an illusion without really being an illusion. Its not some image of women moaning and pretending they like it. New pussy and new dick may actually want to fuck you. We've all heard the saying that "For every beautiful woman there is a guy tired of fucking her." M actually said it when our discussion moved on from porn to sex and it made me think of something in the past. M used to work at a restaurant where this woman would come in. She was a regular customer, and married but had a few flings with some of the other male regulars. One night M met this woman's husband and I remember M going on about how nice the guy was, a police officer, good looking, yet his wife was cheating on him. Then he said "he'd have no problem finding another girl." While that may be true, it seemed that he was pretty much calling this woman stupid for cheating on a "great guy like that." I'm not excusing the cheating, but what he didn't seem to get was that maybe the girl was just chasing new dick. She probably wasn't looking for an upgrade. I threw out the "Well maybe the guy is an asshole," but I wanted to say, "The guy may be a good guy, but its the same dick." Yet I didn't say it. While it could be that the guy was an asshole, or they don't click sexually, it could just be that the thought of new dick was too enticing for her to pass up.
When a guy cheats on a "good" woman we usually get "that's the way guys are." When a woman cheats on a "good" man we say the guy must be an asshole, she must be stupid, or she's a whore. Generally there is always something "wrong" with the woman who cheats, or the guy has to be horribly fucked up to drive her to cheat. Women don't cheat for the thrill of new dick the way men cheat for the thrill of new pussy. This is a misconception. Perhaps it is because men think women don't think this way. Men think we don't look at attractive men and think "I wonder what he's like in bed?"
That's the difference with a lot of men and women. Guys will just throw it out there, but women always feel the need to protect guys supposedly fragile egos. He said men cheat/look at porn because of the thrill of new pussy, and I said women cheat because the guy is an asshole EVEN THOUGH I was thinking she just wants new dick. Perhaps the male ego is fragile, I don't know. But it always seems like women should just accept guys being guys, and if a woman does the same shit there is just something wrong with her. We tiptoe around a woman's sexuality and don't throw around the phrase, "For every hot guy with a pension there is a woman who is tired of fucking him." We just downgrade them to a slut and move on.
I don't mind porn but I wonder how many men would be okay if they came home and found their woman flicking their bean to a poster of David Beckham in his underwear? Would men be totally okay with finding their woman moaning to thought of Taye Diggs pounding her? I bet that a lot of the men who whine about their "uptight wives" who bitch about their porn watching would feel just as inadequate and ugly as some women feel when they catch you whacking it to Jenna J or whomever.
While I don't watch porn anymore, I masturbate to the thought of other men. Its not frequent but it happens. I think its pretty natural for people to do it, but women usually have to pretend to a much greater extent than men that they never think of anyone else.
New dick is on the same level as new pussy. Women love feeling desired and there is nothing more desirable than a guy who really wants to fuck you. New dick looks at you the way old dick doesn't anymore, he's giving you compliments, his dick is halfway hard just watching you walk away, he tells you you're the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, he looks at you like he wants to eat you alive, and you know he'll quit his job just to sink his dick into you. New dick can be pretty tempting. But its an illusion. The sex will be good because its new, not necessarily because its good sex. And even if the sex is great what does it really get you? Nothing really.
If your single, new sex can be great, but if you're in a relationship it makes you a coward. Cheaters are weak people with no balls. They lack the ability to man up. They're some of the most selfish people you will ever fucking meet. I know because I was a cheater. I had every excuse in the book. They're all excuses. "I stay for the kids, sexless marriage, monogamy isn't natural, my partner won't find out, that's just the way I am, I'm a guy, I can't get a divorce......" There is no "good reason" to cheat. It boils down to be being too chicken shit to say to your partner that you want out. Its being too selfish to let the other person out of the relationship because you want to have your cake and eat it too. If all the excuses aren't enough to keep yourself from fucking someone else, then why should they be so important to make you stay and lie? It's impossible to cheat without consequence. Just like there is no such thing as a free lunch, there is no such thing as free sex when you're in a relationship.
It takes the right frame of mind to get past "new sex euphoria." I used to tell myself it's not natural to be monogamous, and maybe that is true to some extent. But most people can't handle the thought of someone they care about with someone else. When I was a cheater I was a new dick chaser. Having someone in the line up ready to play was just as fun as the sex itself. I ranted about cheaters just now I know, but I get it. I understand the reason people do it. I know its insanely difficult to tell your partner you cheated, especially if your partner has done nothing wrong. For a long time I didn't even know why I was cheating. I thought I just liked fucking. I do like fucking but compulsive new pussy and dick chasers are pretty insecure people. At some point its time to grow up and realize that you can have great experiences with the opposite sex that doesn't involve their genitals. You can see a woman as a person and not as a conquest to add another notch on your bedpost. A lack of maturity makes you think that fucking someone new can give you something worthwhile. The hunt will make you stupid, reckless and mess up something great you could have with your partner.
New pussy and new dick are like fun jobs that don't pay well. You know it's not a career, but some dumb ass will try to make it a career. Dumb asses think that every job they get has to be fun even if they live on ramen noodles. They can't handle a job with even a mediocre amount of responsibility, even if the pay is way better. Its the same with chronic new pussy chasers. They fail to see the bigger picture. They only look at the immediate gratification and fail to see that with a lil" hard work you earn a lot more. Dumb asses think that having a fun, easy job puts them above people who have to "work for a living," the same way chronic pussy and dick chasers think they have outsmarted the rest of us by avoiding relationships. They see avoiding any work as the ultimate in life. Sure there are some people who will be more content with a peanut salary or just fucking random people but the majority of us NEED to be challenged. No matter how we try to delude ourselves its FEAR that drives us to stay in the same circle.
There is nothing wrong with taking the easy road sometimes. I'm not trying to say that if you're doing something easy you're wasting your time. Sometimes we just need to have fun. But a coward will continually pass up great, rewarding careers because the work scares them and they are too afraid to fail. The same can be said for relationships. There are times when the fun shitty job is appropriate, and chasing new ass is appropriate. Sometimes you need to build a resume, and sleeping with different people can be fun and help you figure out what you like. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and you learn by being challenged. There is nothing challenging about getting new dick or new pussy. You can always find someone to fuck you. The real challenge is finding someone to love you, learn from, and genuinely enjoy your company.
I'll admit that new dick does cross my mind, but I just can't be that person anymore. Its a horrible way to treat someone and I feel pretty ashamed that I was that person. But at the same time its given me a better understanding of myself. For me the hunt is over. And I found a pretty spectacular prize.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
God
There is just something special about M. He's certainly gorgeous, funny, and an overall nice guy but there is just that something. I've never met anyone who exudes sexiness the way he does. This sexiness is nothing intentional or flamboyant, it's simply M. I have yet to find something he does or says that isn't sexy. From his handwriting, his voice, his walk, the way he smells, the way he holds his drink, his people skills, his smile, his gaze, the way he sometimes slightly nibbles on his thumb, his laugh, and I haven't even mentioned actual sex. Hell, the man even drives his car sexy. I kid you not. He's incredibly sexy, without even knowing it.
I like watching him from afar, sitting at the bar nursing a beer. He's wearing a black shirt and I like him in black. I don't go over to him right away, instead I make my rounds and say hello to a few people. Its always a comfort when he visits me at work. I can't explain why, but I feel safer, sexier if he's there. I'm able to loosen up and forget my insecurities for a moment.
Once my night is over I come by his place. I get there a few seconds before M arrives and we share a brief embrace in his carport. We step inside only to be greeted by the smell of gas, as M's father accidentally left the stove on. M turns off the stove with slight annoyance and turns on the fan before taking me to his bedroom.
Once I'm in his bedroom I fight the urge for wildness. I want to rip his clothing from his body and fuck him hard and quickly to orgasm. But at the same time I know it would be much more pleasurable to draw it out a bit, to let M lead and use me as he wishes. I take off my pants and socks but leave on my bra, panties, and sweater. We kiss for a moment and I admire the sweetness of his mouth. I sit at the end of the bed while M undoes his pants. I immediately suck him once he is sprung free. Sucking M is almost a necessity for me. I admit that I have always enjoyed cock sucking, but with M it has spiraled into something much more than just 'giving a blowjob,' for me. I suck him, lick his balls, while M's hands roam my head, guiding my pace and pushing more cock into my needy mouth.
M feels inclined to taste me, which is not something he does very often. I'm not a huge fan of receiving oral sex. It can feel very good if I'm in the mood for it, but it turns me on more to suck him or lick his balls. I've never climaxed from oral sex and due to my shyness it can be a bit embarrassing for me.
He licks and sucks me gently before exploring me with his fingers. I could have come at that moment, with his fingers inside me, but I hold back. Before long he's fucking me as I lie on my back, my legs spread. His hand tightly grasped upon my throat. His hold is much tighter than the usual choke fucking I receive. I can still breathe, but it's difficult and I don't get much air. I don't mind and I don't worry about the lack of oxygen. It's an incredible turn on, and there is something sexy about placing my life in M's hands. I realize that sounds insane and I certainly wouldn't be able to achieve this level of confidence in just anyone, but its purely out of love, mutual respect, and trust that I am able to let go of fear. He could choke me harder, longer, whenever he pleases, and it would not change.
M is fucking me with slow, deep strokes. Each thrust has a faint hint of roughness to it. It's perfect. Sublime. He whispers to ask me if I'm his bitch. "Yes," I whisper back. "Say it," M commands. "I'm your bitch," I whisper back. I ask him to stop fucking me and let me suck his cock again. He demands that I beg. I am on the brink of orgasm and I desperately want to delay it. I know that if I come now, I will not be able to do so quietly. I think he must sense the ploy because he doesn't stop stroking for a few moments, pushing me dangerously close before I take him into my mouth.
I climb on top of him and we enjoy each other. We kiss, M gently sucks my breasts, and I try to run from my orgasm again. M holds me against him and shoves my panties into my mouth. I roll him on top of me and he comes inside of me. He lays on top of me for a while, draining every bit of himself into my body while I continue to lay there with panties shoved in my mouth.
Eventually he removes my panties and climbs off of me, laying on the other side of the bed. He grabs my hand and motions for me to join him, so that he can hold me as he falls asleep. I resist. I want his comfort in the worst way, yet I can't take it. I curl up into myself and attempt to sort through my emotions. Lately, I feel chaotic bliss after I climax. I also feel angry. Angry at M. Angry at the control he has over my body. Even though I wish for him to have control over me, it scares me once it is over. I feel conflicted. I don't know whether I want to cry, bare my soul, or slap M from his slumber. Fucking M is becoming more like a confession for me. I've been over analyzing, worried that I am no longer as pleasing as I once was. That he no longer thinks of me as beautiful. I've felt increasingly insecure lately and I fear that as my adoration grows for M, he will only grow boredom for me. Perhaps most submissives feel this, as the most important thing for many submissives is to be pleasing. To be anything but ordinary. To be treasured.
My tears gather, but never fall. I curl up next to M and he awakens enough to plant a few gentle kisses and pull me closer to him. I listen to his breathing, his heart, and rest my head against him for a short nap before heading home. When I'm certain he's fallen back to sleep I whisper to him that I love him. Then I close my eyes.
I like watching him from afar, sitting at the bar nursing a beer. He's wearing a black shirt and I like him in black. I don't go over to him right away, instead I make my rounds and say hello to a few people. Its always a comfort when he visits me at work. I can't explain why, but I feel safer, sexier if he's there. I'm able to loosen up and forget my insecurities for a moment.
Once my night is over I come by his place. I get there a few seconds before M arrives and we share a brief embrace in his carport. We step inside only to be greeted by the smell of gas, as M's father accidentally left the stove on. M turns off the stove with slight annoyance and turns on the fan before taking me to his bedroom.
Once I'm in his bedroom I fight the urge for wildness. I want to rip his clothing from his body and fuck him hard and quickly to orgasm. But at the same time I know it would be much more pleasurable to draw it out a bit, to let M lead and use me as he wishes. I take off my pants and socks but leave on my bra, panties, and sweater. We kiss for a moment and I admire the sweetness of his mouth. I sit at the end of the bed while M undoes his pants. I immediately suck him once he is sprung free. Sucking M is almost a necessity for me. I admit that I have always enjoyed cock sucking, but with M it has spiraled into something much more than just 'giving a blowjob,' for me. I suck him, lick his balls, while M's hands roam my head, guiding my pace and pushing more cock into my needy mouth.
M feels inclined to taste me, which is not something he does very often. I'm not a huge fan of receiving oral sex. It can feel very good if I'm in the mood for it, but it turns me on more to suck him or lick his balls. I've never climaxed from oral sex and due to my shyness it can be a bit embarrassing for me.
He licks and sucks me gently before exploring me with his fingers. I could have come at that moment, with his fingers inside me, but I hold back. Before long he's fucking me as I lie on my back, my legs spread. His hand tightly grasped upon my throat. His hold is much tighter than the usual choke fucking I receive. I can still breathe, but it's difficult and I don't get much air. I don't mind and I don't worry about the lack of oxygen. It's an incredible turn on, and there is something sexy about placing my life in M's hands. I realize that sounds insane and I certainly wouldn't be able to achieve this level of confidence in just anyone, but its purely out of love, mutual respect, and trust that I am able to let go of fear. He could choke me harder, longer, whenever he pleases, and it would not change.
M is fucking me with slow, deep strokes. Each thrust has a faint hint of roughness to it. It's perfect. Sublime. He whispers to ask me if I'm his bitch. "Yes," I whisper back. "Say it," M commands. "I'm your bitch," I whisper back. I ask him to stop fucking me and let me suck his cock again. He demands that I beg. I am on the brink of orgasm and I desperately want to delay it. I know that if I come now, I will not be able to do so quietly. I think he must sense the ploy because he doesn't stop stroking for a few moments, pushing me dangerously close before I take him into my mouth.
I climb on top of him and we enjoy each other. We kiss, M gently sucks my breasts, and I try to run from my orgasm again. M holds me against him and shoves my panties into my mouth. I roll him on top of me and he comes inside of me. He lays on top of me for a while, draining every bit of himself into my body while I continue to lay there with panties shoved in my mouth.
Eventually he removes my panties and climbs off of me, laying on the other side of the bed. He grabs my hand and motions for me to join him, so that he can hold me as he falls asleep. I resist. I want his comfort in the worst way, yet I can't take it. I curl up into myself and attempt to sort through my emotions. Lately, I feel chaotic bliss after I climax. I also feel angry. Angry at M. Angry at the control he has over my body. Even though I wish for him to have control over me, it scares me once it is over. I feel conflicted. I don't know whether I want to cry, bare my soul, or slap M from his slumber. Fucking M is becoming more like a confession for me. I've been over analyzing, worried that I am no longer as pleasing as I once was. That he no longer thinks of me as beautiful. I've felt increasingly insecure lately and I fear that as my adoration grows for M, he will only grow boredom for me. Perhaps most submissives feel this, as the most important thing for many submissives is to be pleasing. To be anything but ordinary. To be treasured.
My tears gather, but never fall. I curl up next to M and he awakens enough to plant a few gentle kisses and pull me closer to him. I listen to his breathing, his heart, and rest my head against him for a short nap before heading home. When I'm certain he's fallen back to sleep I whisper to him that I love him. Then I close my eyes.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Nostalgia
I can't believe how long I have neglected this blog. I don't know where to begin, where to start. My heart, my brain, are filled to the brim with ideas, thoughts, feelings, pain. Yet I have been unable to find release. It feels like everything in my life has been a battle. A long drawn out war with no end in sight. It feels like the people in my life who are supposed to care, don't.
Days pass, yet I feel like I'm moving backward rather than forward. I feel old. I feel like I have wasted a lot of my life. I feel completely fragile. And unsexy. Hell, to tell you the truth I feel downright ugly. My dissatisfaction with my life is taking its toll on me. I want to change, I take the steps to change but then that voice tells you that you're stupid. That you aren't beautiful no matter what anyone tells you. Don't kid yourself. Don't do it. You're not smart enough and you'll fail and look foolish.
No matter how many times I tell that voice to shut the fuck up, it pries its way back in. I'm waiting for the facade to be over. The girl who pretends that everything is okay, when really nothing is okay. The girl who pretends to be confident when she's anything but. The girl who desperately needs to feel love from someone but is too afraid to ask for it. That's what I'm waiting for. For the last shoe to drop.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
DISPLAY
"When you come over tonight, you are to head directly upstairs. Take off your clothes and put on the attire I will have laid out for you on the bed. Come downstairs when you are done and stand before me. Don't be late tonight."
I read the text with a bit of a shrug. It's from M of course, and I wonder what this "attire" is that he has for me wear. I'm aroused by this unusual and surprising request.
I arrive and do exactly what I'm told. He doesn't look my way when I enter, his eyes stay focused on the television as I slink away upstairs. I am not greeted with his usual kiss and embrace when I come through the door, and I admit I am pouting about it a little. I gently shut the door to his bedroom, and immediately go over to the bed to see what exactly I am to wear. I see black hose, a pretty blue garter and matching bra. The garter has straps attached to secure the hose, and I see he has also laid out my collar and leash. There are no panties, and feel a pang of nervousness as I disrobe. I pull the hose on first, I stretch them gently so that they reach far enough up my thighs to cover most of my long legs. Next I put on the garter. It's a larger garter, one of the more retro sort of garters that go up higher on the waist. The top of the garter sits above my navel, but the bottom doesn't adequately cover my pussy, even after I secure the garter to the hose. I put on the bra, and it is much too small. Most of my breasts hang out of the bra, threatening to spill out any moment. I put on my collar and leash before I glance at myself in the mirror. Not bad, I think to myself, but it doesn't stop me from being nervous.
I take a breath and head down the stairs. M doesn't turn around and I am thankful for that. I am not looking forward to facing his gaze, his scrutiny. The shy girl in me just wanted to run out the door. I go around the coffee table and stand in front of him. I look at him, but sort of indirectly, I can't bring myself to meet his gaze eye to eye.
"Turn around."
I do so, and I can feel myself starting to blush. He lets me stand there for a few moments before he steps toward me, leading me by my leash back toward the sofa. M sits and has me stand. He rubs his hands over my stocking clad legs, his fingers lingering over the small space where the lace stops and the flesh begins.
"You're beautiful. You look so perfect. Such a pretty girl I have."
The words soothe me, reassure me. I can feel myself growing moist, anxious for him to tear away at this pretty outfit and ravage me. To my surprise, M only tugs roughly on the leash and orders me to my knees. His voice changes from soothing, to commanding and stern. I get on my knees. I expect M to drop his trousers, and have me suck him. Instead he sits back down on the couch.
"Sit down slut. I am not ready for you yet. Tonight is going to be different but I expect you to be a very good girl. You are to obey me and do whatever I ask. I do not want any hesitation, any disobedience. Do not ask any questions or speak unless you are spoken to directly. Have I made myself clear?"
"Yes," I say softly. My stomach is in a small knot, my cunt is swelling at the anticipation and unknown of what M has in mind. I am seated on the floor, while M watches television. Every few minutes he reaches out and strokes my hair and face. Gentle, loving strokes as he holds the leash in his other hand. He doesn't speak to me or touch me anywhere else. I'm anxious and starting to get a bit annoyed that I am all dressed up for him and ready, and he would rather be watching TV. M's phone begins to ring and he goes into the kitchen to take the call. When he returns he has a new order.
"Get on the table on all fours. Do not move."
I'm apprehensive but I do it immediately. The coffee table is not huge, but it's very sturdy. M walks out of the room and opens his patio door. A few moments later someone enters. Male. They are laughing and conversing in the kitchen.
I feel a rush of embarrassment. I only hope that the friend doesn't peer in and see me, that M will obstruct his view so that his friend is oblivious to the scantily clad woman on his coffee table. I start to fume, I mean why would he let a friend come over at a time like this?
"Well I suppose I should show you what you have come here to see. It really is a beautiful display."
The two men enter the room and I am horrified. My mind races, and I don't know what to say or do. I just remain there, shocked and frozen. I can feel their eyes on me, as they converse as if I'm not on a coffee table.
"What do you think Tom?'
"Very nice indeed. She doesn't mind being treated like this? Wearing that leash and collar?"
M laughs. "It only matters if I mind. She is a toy, my obedient little slut. I know what's best for my girl and she knows that. She loves to cater to me, and will do whatever I ask."
"Wow. She is beautiful but she doesn't look very happy. I bet she is going to be pissed and will chew your ass out as soon as I leave."
M laughs harder this time. "That will never happen. You don't seem to understand. She is my property. She is very shy certainly, and part of her IS upset that I'm doing this. But the other part is aroused. As soon as you leave she will be shoving my dick in her mouth. She is a greedy, horny girl....I bet her pussy is soaking wet right now."
This time Tom snickers as I do my best to shield my face and hide my embarrassment.
"I don't know M, it seems a little hard for me to believe. She will really do anything you say?"
"Of course. I don't harm her, I never would. I push her yes, but never harm. A man should always take care of his toys. Let's have a better look at the display, stand up pretty girl."
M takes my hands and has me stand up on the table.
"So hot," Tom says. I try not to look at either of them, standing up is much worse than my previous position. "Her face is lovely, the body remarkable. Very sexy body. Her tits are huge."
"I definitely agree. Her face is beautiful from any angle. Doesn't she have the most beautiful legs? You don't see legs like these every day."
"Such long legs. Perfect."
"Is she not the hottest piece of ass you have ever seen? She's a great fuck too, excellent little cock sucker. She was made to suck dick."
"Her lips do appear well suited for it. Does she swallow?
"Of course she swallows. I can come wherever I choose. She will swallow every last drop if I wish, she loves to taste me."
"She is a hot piece of ass. Possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You are one lucky bastard."
Do you want to look at her cunt? It's lovely but she needs reassurance about it. She doesn't like for me to look at it, she doesn't realize what a pretty cunt she has."
I think about running. I can feel the tears brimming as M places his hand gently on my leg. I know he is coaxing me, he can feel me tensing and is offering reassurance. He gives my ass a gentle squeeze, I think he can sense that I need a little push.
"Step down from the table, turn around, and grab your ankles. We are going to look at your cunt."
I do as I'm told. Ashamed, humiliated, afraid, angry, and very very aroused.
"Look at that. Just like I said. Its soaking wet and drooling." M places his hands on my ass, pulling my cheeks apart gently. He flicks my asshole a bit. "I fuck her here too, she has become quite the little ass slut. She is still very tight back here, but she loves it."
"Wow. I really don't know what to say. She has a great pussy, beautiful pussy. Man would I love to have pussy like that. Can I see her tits?"
"Some other time. We have business to attend to now. I'm sure she is in desperate need of a fucking. Go upstairs now slut and one of us will be up to use you."
I practically run up the stairs. I am so thankful that it's over, pleased that I managed to sit through it. I collapse on the bed and wait. I hope M was just kidding about the last comment. He wouldn't possibly send his friend up to fuck me.
Much to my relief, M strolls through the door a few moments later.
He lays down next to me, caresses me, pulls me into his arms. He kisses me, using my leash to pull me closer to him.
"Are you disappointed that it's me and not Tom?"
"No. I only want you," I whisper against his neck.
"You are such a beautiful toy. Such a good girl. I am going to fuck the shit out of you."
M takes his time before he enters me. He fucks me with his fingers, his mouth, teases my opening with the head of his cock. He never lets me suck him, although I practically beg for it. He pushes just the tip of his cock inside of my cunt before he stops and says;
"You are mine little girl. You know that if I wish to share you, you must oblige. Your body belongs to me and I decide who uses it and how. You do understand that don't you?"
I simply nod my head yes against him, I am so eager for him to fuck me. The need is primal and urgent. M fucks me roughly, I come twice within the first several minutes. He doesn't let up, doesn't allow me anytime to recover. I begin to cry against him, tears of pure pleasure, tears of joy, tears of fear. M either doesn't notice or care about my tears, he just fucks me harder. My cries are louder, unable to control as I cum hard against him, hoping he will never allow another man to use me.
I read the text with a bit of a shrug. It's from M of course, and I wonder what this "attire" is that he has for me wear. I'm aroused by this unusual and surprising request.
I arrive and do exactly what I'm told. He doesn't look my way when I enter, his eyes stay focused on the television as I slink away upstairs. I am not greeted with his usual kiss and embrace when I come through the door, and I admit I am pouting about it a little. I gently shut the door to his bedroom, and immediately go over to the bed to see what exactly I am to wear. I see black hose, a pretty blue garter and matching bra. The garter has straps attached to secure the hose, and I see he has also laid out my collar and leash. There are no panties, and feel a pang of nervousness as I disrobe. I pull the hose on first, I stretch them gently so that they reach far enough up my thighs to cover most of my long legs. Next I put on the garter. It's a larger garter, one of the more retro sort of garters that go up higher on the waist. The top of the garter sits above my navel, but the bottom doesn't adequately cover my pussy, even after I secure the garter to the hose. I put on the bra, and it is much too small. Most of my breasts hang out of the bra, threatening to spill out any moment. I put on my collar and leash before I glance at myself in the mirror. Not bad, I think to myself, but it doesn't stop me from being nervous.
I take a breath and head down the stairs. M doesn't turn around and I am thankful for that. I am not looking forward to facing his gaze, his scrutiny. The shy girl in me just wanted to run out the door. I go around the coffee table and stand in front of him. I look at him, but sort of indirectly, I can't bring myself to meet his gaze eye to eye.
"Turn around."
I do so, and I can feel myself starting to blush. He lets me stand there for a few moments before he steps toward me, leading me by my leash back toward the sofa. M sits and has me stand. He rubs his hands over my stocking clad legs, his fingers lingering over the small space where the lace stops and the flesh begins.
"You're beautiful. You look so perfect. Such a pretty girl I have."
The words soothe me, reassure me. I can feel myself growing moist, anxious for him to tear away at this pretty outfit and ravage me. To my surprise, M only tugs roughly on the leash and orders me to my knees. His voice changes from soothing, to commanding and stern. I get on my knees. I expect M to drop his trousers, and have me suck him. Instead he sits back down on the couch.
"Sit down slut. I am not ready for you yet. Tonight is going to be different but I expect you to be a very good girl. You are to obey me and do whatever I ask. I do not want any hesitation, any disobedience. Do not ask any questions or speak unless you are spoken to directly. Have I made myself clear?"
"Yes," I say softly. My stomach is in a small knot, my cunt is swelling at the anticipation and unknown of what M has in mind. I am seated on the floor, while M watches television. Every few minutes he reaches out and strokes my hair and face. Gentle, loving strokes as he holds the leash in his other hand. He doesn't speak to me or touch me anywhere else. I'm anxious and starting to get a bit annoyed that I am all dressed up for him and ready, and he would rather be watching TV. M's phone begins to ring and he goes into the kitchen to take the call. When he returns he has a new order.
"Get on the table on all fours. Do not move."
I'm apprehensive but I do it immediately. The coffee table is not huge, but it's very sturdy. M walks out of the room and opens his patio door. A few moments later someone enters. Male. They are laughing and conversing in the kitchen.
I feel a rush of embarrassment. I only hope that the friend doesn't peer in and see me, that M will obstruct his view so that his friend is oblivious to the scantily clad woman on his coffee table. I start to fume, I mean why would he let a friend come over at a time like this?
"Well I suppose I should show you what you have come here to see. It really is a beautiful display."
The two men enter the room and I am horrified. My mind races, and I don't know what to say or do. I just remain there, shocked and frozen. I can feel their eyes on me, as they converse as if I'm not on a coffee table.
"What do you think Tom?'
"Very nice indeed. She doesn't mind being treated like this? Wearing that leash and collar?"
M laughs. "It only matters if I mind. She is a toy, my obedient little slut. I know what's best for my girl and she knows that. She loves to cater to me, and will do whatever I ask."
"Wow. She is beautiful but she doesn't look very happy. I bet she is going to be pissed and will chew your ass out as soon as I leave."
M laughs harder this time. "That will never happen. You don't seem to understand. She is my property. She is very shy certainly, and part of her IS upset that I'm doing this. But the other part is aroused. As soon as you leave she will be shoving my dick in her mouth. She is a greedy, horny girl....I bet her pussy is soaking wet right now."
This time Tom snickers as I do my best to shield my face and hide my embarrassment.
"I don't know M, it seems a little hard for me to believe. She will really do anything you say?"
"Of course. I don't harm her, I never would. I push her yes, but never harm. A man should always take care of his toys. Let's have a better look at the display, stand up pretty girl."
M takes my hands and has me stand up on the table.
"So hot," Tom says. I try not to look at either of them, standing up is much worse than my previous position. "Her face is lovely, the body remarkable. Very sexy body. Her tits are huge."
"I definitely agree. Her face is beautiful from any angle. Doesn't she have the most beautiful legs? You don't see legs like these every day."
"Such long legs. Perfect."
"Is she not the hottest piece of ass you have ever seen? She's a great fuck too, excellent little cock sucker. She was made to suck dick."
"Her lips do appear well suited for it. Does she swallow?
"Of course she swallows. I can come wherever I choose. She will swallow every last drop if I wish, she loves to taste me."
"She is a hot piece of ass. Possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You are one lucky bastard."
Do you want to look at her cunt? It's lovely but she needs reassurance about it. She doesn't like for me to look at it, she doesn't realize what a pretty cunt she has."
I think about running. I can feel the tears brimming as M places his hand gently on my leg. I know he is coaxing me, he can feel me tensing and is offering reassurance. He gives my ass a gentle squeeze, I think he can sense that I need a little push.
"Step down from the table, turn around, and grab your ankles. We are going to look at your cunt."
I do as I'm told. Ashamed, humiliated, afraid, angry, and very very aroused.
"Look at that. Just like I said. Its soaking wet and drooling." M places his hands on my ass, pulling my cheeks apart gently. He flicks my asshole a bit. "I fuck her here too, she has become quite the little ass slut. She is still very tight back here, but she loves it."
"Wow. I really don't know what to say. She has a great pussy, beautiful pussy. Man would I love to have pussy like that. Can I see her tits?"
"Some other time. We have business to attend to now. I'm sure she is in desperate need of a fucking. Go upstairs now slut and one of us will be up to use you."
I practically run up the stairs. I am so thankful that it's over, pleased that I managed to sit through it. I collapse on the bed and wait. I hope M was just kidding about the last comment. He wouldn't possibly send his friend up to fuck me.
Much to my relief, M strolls through the door a few moments later.
He lays down next to me, caresses me, pulls me into his arms. He kisses me, using my leash to pull me closer to him.
"Are you disappointed that it's me and not Tom?"
"No. I only want you," I whisper against his neck.
"You are such a beautiful toy. Such a good girl. I am going to fuck the shit out of you."
M takes his time before he enters me. He fucks me with his fingers, his mouth, teases my opening with the head of his cock. He never lets me suck him, although I practically beg for it. He pushes just the tip of his cock inside of my cunt before he stops and says;
"You are mine little girl. You know that if I wish to share you, you must oblige. Your body belongs to me and I decide who uses it and how. You do understand that don't you?"
I simply nod my head yes against him, I am so eager for him to fuck me. The need is primal and urgent. M fucks me roughly, I come twice within the first several minutes. He doesn't let up, doesn't allow me anytime to recover. I begin to cry against him, tears of pure pleasure, tears of joy, tears of fear. M either doesn't notice or care about my tears, he just fucks me harder. My cries are louder, unable to control as I cum hard against him, hoping he will never allow another man to use me.
TMI Tuesday
1. How do you feel about giving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t really enjoy it.
e. I don’t enjoy it at all.
f. I have never given anal sex.
g. I have never given anal sex, but would like to start
E and F. I know it seems strange to answer both, but I've had the opportunity to play with an anus and I just couldn't do it. The desire to penetrate someone anally just isn't there. I am also weird about sticking my fingers inside an anus. Its a huge mental block for me.
2. How do you feel about receiving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t enjoy it at all.
e. I have never received anal sex.
f. I have never received anal sex, but would like to start.
C and A. I know, again with the two answers. I'll explain, if it's fingers inserted anally then the answer is C. I don't care much for fingers in my ass, I used to HATE it but it's okay at the right moment under the right circumstances. Now as for penises........I am pretty much a certified ass slut. Love it!
3. How do you feel about getting undressed in front of a new lover, for the first time, as he/she watches you?
a. It’s a turn on for me.
b. It turns me on a little bit.
c. I like it, but only because it gets him/her going.
d. It does nothing for me.
e. I don’t like doing it because I am shy.
f. I don’t like doing it because I think its immoral/improper.
A. I am very shy, so this would be very difficult for me to strip with M really watching me. He's definitely not a new lover, but it would still make me very nervous but it would surely turn me on. It always turns me on when he looks at me.
4. Do you express your sexual pleasure with moans, groans, sighs, and other noises (provided that you are actually turned on)?
a. Yes, each time I have sex (90-100% of the time).
b. Yes, on most occasions (70-89% of the time).
c. Yes, on some occasions (40-69% of the time).
d. Yes, on a few occasions (10-39% of the time).
e. Yes, but only on special occasions (1-9%of the time).
f. Never, not even when I am really turned on.
A. I make noise just about every time I think, and sometimes I can be downright loud. I have changed a bit, I used to be very quiet. I am naturally quiet. I like being a little more vocal, hell everybody likes feedback. But sometimes when I am really, really turned on or in subspace I just fall silent.
5. Do you talk to your partner in a sexually explicit way?
a. Talking dirty is one of our favorite activities.
b. Occasionally, I like to talk dirty with my partner, and I do it with ease.
c. I talk dirty with my partner, but it feels awkward.
d. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but I don’t dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.
e. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but she/he isn’t into it.
f. I don’t talk in such a way because I think it is inappropriate.
g. I don’t talk in such a way because I can’t bring myself to do it.
G.
6. What kind of animal do you most sound like when building to a climax?
a. quiet little mouse
b. low moaning wolf
c. screeching beluga whale
A? I'm honestly not sure how to answer this but I guess most of the time I lean more towards quiet than loud. I think? A mouse seems too quiet, a wolf too loud. How about a purring cat??
Bonus: Which do you prefer comfort sex or thrill-seeking sex? Why?
Comfort seekers value deep intimacy, quiet engagement and trust over time of familiar relationships. For them sex is best as a safe, loving nurturing space.*
Thrill seekers value wild energy, adventure and novelty; they are willing to try open relationships, testing themselves outside average sexual practices. These folks crave a place to push the boundaries of new experiences.*
Both. They cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I can't have truly thrilling, open sex with someone I don't feel a deep intimacy with and trust without a doubt. I can have good sex with someone who I'm not too familiar with, but I really couldn't take things to the next level without feeling something more. I need that connection to be able to let go and have that nasty thrilling sex.
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t really enjoy it.
e. I don’t enjoy it at all.
f. I have never given anal sex.
g. I have never given anal sex, but would like to start
E and F. I know it seems strange to answer both, but I've had the opportunity to play with an anus and I just couldn't do it. The desire to penetrate someone anally just isn't there. I am also weird about sticking my fingers inside an anus. Its a huge mental block for me.
2. How do you feel about receiving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t enjoy it at all.
e. I have never received anal sex.
f. I have never received anal sex, but would like to start.
C and A. I know, again with the two answers. I'll explain, if it's fingers inserted anally then the answer is C. I don't care much for fingers in my ass, I used to HATE it but it's okay at the right moment under the right circumstances. Now as for penises........I am pretty much a certified ass slut. Love it!
3. How do you feel about getting undressed in front of a new lover, for the first time, as he/she watches you?
a. It’s a turn on for me.
b. It turns me on a little bit.
c. I like it, but only because it gets him/her going.
d. It does nothing for me.
e. I don’t like doing it because I am shy.
f. I don’t like doing it because I think its immoral/improper.
A. I am very shy, so this would be very difficult for me to strip with M really watching me. He's definitely not a new lover, but it would still make me very nervous but it would surely turn me on. It always turns me on when he looks at me.
4. Do you express your sexual pleasure with moans, groans, sighs, and other noises (provided that you are actually turned on)?
a. Yes, each time I have sex (90-100% of the time).
b. Yes, on most occasions (70-89% of the time).
c. Yes, on some occasions (40-69% of the time).
d. Yes, on a few occasions (10-39% of the time).
e. Yes, but only on special occasions (1-9%of the time).
f. Never, not even when I am really turned on.
A. I make noise just about every time I think, and sometimes I can be downright loud. I have changed a bit, I used to be very quiet. I am naturally quiet. I like being a little more vocal, hell everybody likes feedback. But sometimes when I am really, really turned on or in subspace I just fall silent.
5. Do you talk to your partner in a sexually explicit way?
a. Talking dirty is one of our favorite activities.
b. Occasionally, I like to talk dirty with my partner, and I do it with ease.
c. I talk dirty with my partner, but it feels awkward.
d. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but I don’t dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.
e. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but she/he isn’t into it.
f. I don’t talk in such a way because I think it is inappropriate.
g. I don’t talk in such a way because I can’t bring myself to do it.
G.
6. What kind of animal do you most sound like when building to a climax?
a. quiet little mouse
b. low moaning wolf
c. screeching beluga whale
A? I'm honestly not sure how to answer this but I guess most of the time I lean more towards quiet than loud. I think? A mouse seems too quiet, a wolf too loud. How about a purring cat??
Bonus: Which do you prefer comfort sex or thrill-seeking sex? Why?
Comfort seekers value deep intimacy, quiet engagement and trust over time of familiar relationships. For them sex is best as a safe, loving nurturing space.*
Thrill seekers value wild energy, adventure and novelty; they are willing to try open relationships, testing themselves outside average sexual practices. These folks crave a place to push the boundaries of new experiences.*
Both. They cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I can't have truly thrilling, open sex with someone I don't feel a deep intimacy with and trust without a doubt. I can have good sex with someone who I'm not too familiar with, but I really couldn't take things to the next level without feeling something more. I need that connection to be able to let go and have that nasty thrilling sex.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Carpe diem
There has been so much to write, yet so little time to write it. M and I are still going strong. Just where we are going has yet be told, but he's still the boss nonetheless.
There have been so many sexual encounters, too many to pick out one in particular to write about. M and I were able to spend a lot time together over the past few months. This is mostly due to M quitting his job, which was demanding and took up a considerable amount of his time. It has given me time to study him, listen to him, get to know him. I admit I study him. It sounds strange, a bit creepy to admit that but that is just the way I am. I rarely ask questions, but I do research. I listen to his stories about his life, his past, and hold onto them. I prefer listening much more than talking, and I could listen to M talk forever.
I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. About changes I've made, changes I still need to make, mistakes I have made, and all the great things I've learned simply from knowing M. I think about how much I've grown to love M, how something grew from pure lust to an admirable love and deep respect. It doesn't scare me to write it anymore, to see the words flash in front of me. I've been through it all in my head, the doubts, the fears, the telling myself we can't go anywhere, love will only complicate things. But that is what life is; complicated.
I admit I love him, but reality has not left me. The reality is that it's easy to be a couple, but it's much harder to be a family. I have a family, responsibilities, a son who desperately wants a father, and to say that my life is complex and unusual does not even begin to cover it. I'm protective over my family, not ready to let him in that part of my life. I also think he has no real interest, no desire to move into that realm of my life, and is happy to sit on the sideline. Of course I've never asked, it is not in me to do so, but I believe my assumption to be correct.
I wonder if some things are meant to last forever. I guess I can't help but assume that eventually M and I will have to come to an end. It makes me leave up a wall, a wall he's chipped away at, yet still remains. I know M will always remain in my head. He 's one of those people you will think about long after they're gone, a person that leaves an impression in your mind, as well as in your heart. Then there is the sex. I'm in love with M sure, but I am head over heels in love with his cock. It pains me to think of a life without it. I've never experienced the kind of sexual attraction I have with M. It worries me that I may never find it again. I guess the only thing left for me to do is to enjoy it while I still have it, and make the time to write about it.
There have been so many sexual encounters, too many to pick out one in particular to write about. M and I were able to spend a lot time together over the past few months. This is mostly due to M quitting his job, which was demanding and took up a considerable amount of his time. It has given me time to study him, listen to him, get to know him. I admit I study him. It sounds strange, a bit creepy to admit that but that is just the way I am. I rarely ask questions, but I do research. I listen to his stories about his life, his past, and hold onto them. I prefer listening much more than talking, and I could listen to M talk forever.
I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. About changes I've made, changes I still need to make, mistakes I have made, and all the great things I've learned simply from knowing M. I think about how much I've grown to love M, how something grew from pure lust to an admirable love and deep respect. It doesn't scare me to write it anymore, to see the words flash in front of me. I've been through it all in my head, the doubts, the fears, the telling myself we can't go anywhere, love will only complicate things. But that is what life is; complicated.
I admit I love him, but reality has not left me. The reality is that it's easy to be a couple, but it's much harder to be a family. I have a family, responsibilities, a son who desperately wants a father, and to say that my life is complex and unusual does not even begin to cover it. I'm protective over my family, not ready to let him in that part of my life. I also think he has no real interest, no desire to move into that realm of my life, and is happy to sit on the sideline. Of course I've never asked, it is not in me to do so, but I believe my assumption to be correct.
I wonder if some things are meant to last forever. I guess I can't help but assume that eventually M and I will have to come to an end. It makes me leave up a wall, a wall he's chipped away at, yet still remains. I know M will always remain in my head. He 's one of those people you will think about long after they're gone, a person that leaves an impression in your mind, as well as in your heart. Then there is the sex. I'm in love with M sure, but I am head over heels in love with his cock. It pains me to think of a life without it. I've never experienced the kind of sexual attraction I have with M. It worries me that I may never find it again. I guess the only thing left for me to do is to enjoy it while I still have it, and make the time to write about it.
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