"When you come over tonight, you are to head directly upstairs. Take off your clothes and put on the attire I will have laid out for you on the bed. Come downstairs when you are done and stand before me. Don't be late tonight."
I read the text with a bit of a shrug. It's from M of course, and I wonder what this "attire" is that he has for me wear. I'm aroused by this unusual and surprising request.
I arrive and do exactly what I'm told. He doesn't look my way when I enter, his eyes stay focused on the television as I slink away upstairs. I am not greeted with his usual kiss and embrace when I come through the door, and I admit I am pouting about it a little. I gently shut the door to his bedroom, and immediately go over to the bed to see what exactly I am to wear. I see black hose, a pretty blue garter and matching bra. The garter has straps attached to secure the hose, and I see he has also laid out my collar and leash. There are no panties, and feel a pang of nervousness as I disrobe. I pull the hose on first, I stretch them gently so that they reach far enough up my thighs to cover most of my long legs. Next I put on the garter. It's a larger garter, one of the more retro sort of garters that go up higher on the waist. The top of the garter sits above my navel, but the bottom doesn't adequately cover my pussy, even after I secure the garter to the hose. I put on the bra, and it is much too small. Most of my breasts hang out of the bra, threatening to spill out any moment. I put on my collar and leash before I glance at myself in the mirror. Not bad, I think to myself, but it doesn't stop me from being nervous.
I take a breath and head down the stairs. M doesn't turn around and I am thankful for that. I am not looking forward to facing his gaze, his scrutiny. The shy girl in me just wanted to run out the door. I go around the coffee table and stand in front of him. I look at him, but sort of indirectly, I can't bring myself to meet his gaze eye to eye.
"Turn around."
I do so, and I can feel myself starting to blush. He lets me stand there for a few moments before he steps toward me, leading me by my leash back toward the sofa. M sits and has me stand. He rubs his hands over my stocking clad legs, his fingers lingering over the small space where the lace stops and the flesh begins.
"You're beautiful. You look so perfect. Such a pretty girl I have."
The words soothe me, reassure me. I can feel myself growing moist, anxious for him to tear away at this pretty outfit and ravage me. To my surprise, M only tugs roughly on the leash and orders me to my knees. His voice changes from soothing, to commanding and stern. I get on my knees. I expect M to drop his trousers, and have me suck him. Instead he sits back down on the couch.
"Sit down slut. I am not ready for you yet. Tonight is going to be different but I expect you to be a very good girl. You are to obey me and do whatever I ask. I do not want any hesitation, any disobedience. Do not ask any questions or speak unless you are spoken to directly. Have I made myself clear?"
"Yes," I say softly. My stomach is in a small knot, my cunt is swelling at the anticipation and unknown of what M has in mind. I am seated on the floor, while M watches television. Every few minutes he reaches out and strokes my hair and face. Gentle, loving strokes as he holds the leash in his other hand. He doesn't speak to me or touch me anywhere else. I'm anxious and starting to get a bit annoyed that I am all dressed up for him and ready, and he would rather be watching TV. M's phone begins to ring and he goes into the kitchen to take the call. When he returns he has a new order.
"Get on the table on all fours. Do not move."
I'm apprehensive but I do it immediately. The coffee table is not huge, but it's very sturdy. M walks out of the room and opens his patio door. A few moments later someone enters. Male. They are laughing and conversing in the kitchen.
I feel a rush of embarrassment. I only hope that the friend doesn't peer in and see me, that M will obstruct his view so that his friend is oblivious to the scantily clad woman on his coffee table. I start to fume, I mean why would he let a friend come over at a time like this?
"Well I suppose I should show you what you have come here to see. It really is a beautiful display."
The two men enter the room and I am horrified. My mind races, and I don't know what to say or do. I just remain there, shocked and frozen. I can feel their eyes on me, as they converse as if I'm not on a coffee table.
"What do you think Tom?'
"Very nice indeed. She doesn't mind being treated like this? Wearing that leash and collar?"
M laughs. "It only matters if I mind. She is a toy, my obedient little slut. I know what's best for my girl and she knows that. She loves to cater to me, and will do whatever I ask."
"Wow. She is beautiful but she doesn't look very happy. I bet she is going to be pissed and will chew your ass out as soon as I leave."
M laughs harder this time. "That will never happen. You don't seem to understand. She is my property. She is very shy certainly, and part of her IS upset that I'm doing this. But the other part is aroused. As soon as you leave she will be shoving my dick in her mouth. She is a greedy, horny girl....I bet her pussy is soaking wet right now."
This time Tom snickers as I do my best to shield my face and hide my embarrassment.
"I don't know M, it seems a little hard for me to believe. She will really do anything you say?"
"Of course. I don't harm her, I never would. I push her yes, but never harm. A man should always take care of his toys. Let's have a better look at the display, stand up pretty girl."
M takes my hands and has me stand up on the table.
"So hot," Tom says. I try not to look at either of them, standing up is much worse than my previous position. "Her face is lovely, the body remarkable. Very sexy body. Her tits are huge."
"I definitely agree. Her face is beautiful from any angle. Doesn't she have the most beautiful legs? You don't see legs like these every day."
"Such long legs. Perfect."
"Is she not the hottest piece of ass you have ever seen? She's a great fuck too, excellent little cock sucker. She was made to suck dick."
"Her lips do appear well suited for it. Does she swallow?
"Of course she swallows. I can come wherever I choose. She will swallow every last drop if I wish, she loves to taste me."
"She is a hot piece of ass. Possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You are one lucky bastard."
Do you want to look at her cunt? It's lovely but she needs reassurance about it. She doesn't like for me to look at it, she doesn't realize what a pretty cunt she has."
I think about running. I can feel the tears brimming as M places his hand gently on my leg. I know he is coaxing me, he can feel me tensing and is offering reassurance. He gives my ass a gentle squeeze, I think he can sense that I need a little push.
"Step down from the table, turn around, and grab your ankles. We are going to look at your cunt."
I do as I'm told. Ashamed, humiliated, afraid, angry, and very very aroused.
"Look at that. Just like I said. Its soaking wet and drooling." M places his hands on my ass, pulling my cheeks apart gently. He flicks my asshole a bit. "I fuck her here too, she has become quite the little ass slut. She is still very tight back here, but she loves it."
"Wow. I really don't know what to say. She has a great pussy, beautiful pussy. Man would I love to have pussy like that. Can I see her tits?"
"Some other time. We have business to attend to now. I'm sure she is in desperate need of a fucking. Go upstairs now slut and one of us will be up to use you."
I practically run up the stairs. I am so thankful that it's over, pleased that I managed to sit through it. I collapse on the bed and wait. I hope M was just kidding about the last comment. He wouldn't possibly send his friend up to fuck me.
Much to my relief, M strolls through the door a few moments later.
He lays down next to me, caresses me, pulls me into his arms. He kisses me, using my leash to pull me closer to him.
"Are you disappointed that it's me and not Tom?"
"No. I only want you," I whisper against his neck.
"You are such a beautiful toy. Such a good girl. I am going to fuck the shit out of you."
M takes his time before he enters me. He fucks me with his fingers, his mouth, teases my opening with the head of his cock. He never lets me suck him, although I practically beg for it. He pushes just the tip of his cock inside of my cunt before he stops and says;
"You are mine little girl. You know that if I wish to share you, you must oblige. Your body belongs to me and I decide who uses it and how. You do understand that don't you?"
I simply nod my head yes against him, I am so eager for him to fuck me. The need is primal and urgent. M fucks me roughly, I come twice within the first several minutes. He doesn't let up, doesn't allow me anytime to recover. I begin to cry against him, tears of pure pleasure, tears of joy, tears of fear. M either doesn't notice or care about my tears, he just fucks me harder. My cries are louder, unable to control as I cum hard against him, hoping he will never allow another man to use me.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
TMI Tuesday
1. How do you feel about giving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t really enjoy it.
e. I don’t enjoy it at all.
f. I have never given anal sex.
g. I have never given anal sex, but would like to start
E and F. I know it seems strange to answer both, but I've had the opportunity to play with an anus and I just couldn't do it. The desire to penetrate someone anally just isn't there. I am also weird about sticking my fingers inside an anus. Its a huge mental block for me.
2. How do you feel about receiving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t enjoy it at all.
e. I have never received anal sex.
f. I have never received anal sex, but would like to start.
C and A. I know, again with the two answers. I'll explain, if it's fingers inserted anally then the answer is C. I don't care much for fingers in my ass, I used to HATE it but it's okay at the right moment under the right circumstances. Now as for penises........I am pretty much a certified ass slut. Love it!
3. How do you feel about getting undressed in front of a new lover, for the first time, as he/she watches you?
a. It’s a turn on for me.
b. It turns me on a little bit.
c. I like it, but only because it gets him/her going.
d. It does nothing for me.
e. I don’t like doing it because I am shy.
f. I don’t like doing it because I think its immoral/improper.
A. I am very shy, so this would be very difficult for me to strip with M really watching me. He's definitely not a new lover, but it would still make me very nervous but it would surely turn me on. It always turns me on when he looks at me.
4. Do you express your sexual pleasure with moans, groans, sighs, and other noises (provided that you are actually turned on)?
a. Yes, each time I have sex (90-100% of the time).
b. Yes, on most occasions (70-89% of the time).
c. Yes, on some occasions (40-69% of the time).
d. Yes, on a few occasions (10-39% of the time).
e. Yes, but only on special occasions (1-9%of the time).
f. Never, not even when I am really turned on.
A. I make noise just about every time I think, and sometimes I can be downright loud. I have changed a bit, I used to be very quiet. I am naturally quiet. I like being a little more vocal, hell everybody likes feedback. But sometimes when I am really, really turned on or in subspace I just fall silent.
5. Do you talk to your partner in a sexually explicit way?
a. Talking dirty is one of our favorite activities.
b. Occasionally, I like to talk dirty with my partner, and I do it with ease.
c. I talk dirty with my partner, but it feels awkward.
d. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but I don’t dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.
e. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but she/he isn’t into it.
f. I don’t talk in such a way because I think it is inappropriate.
g. I don’t talk in such a way because I can’t bring myself to do it.
G.
6. What kind of animal do you most sound like when building to a climax?
a. quiet little mouse
b. low moaning wolf
c. screeching beluga whale
A? I'm honestly not sure how to answer this but I guess most of the time I lean more towards quiet than loud. I think? A mouse seems too quiet, a wolf too loud. How about a purring cat??
Bonus: Which do you prefer comfort sex or thrill-seeking sex? Why?
Comfort seekers value deep intimacy, quiet engagement and trust over time of familiar relationships. For them sex is best as a safe, loving nurturing space.*
Thrill seekers value wild energy, adventure and novelty; they are willing to try open relationships, testing themselves outside average sexual practices. These folks crave a place to push the boundaries of new experiences.*
Both. They cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I can't have truly thrilling, open sex with someone I don't feel a deep intimacy with and trust without a doubt. I can have good sex with someone who I'm not too familiar with, but I really couldn't take things to the next level without feeling something more. I need that connection to be able to let go and have that nasty thrilling sex.
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t really enjoy it.
e. I don’t enjoy it at all.
f. I have never given anal sex.
g. I have never given anal sex, but would like to start
E and F. I know it seems strange to answer both, but I've had the opportunity to play with an anus and I just couldn't do it. The desire to penetrate someone anally just isn't there. I am also weird about sticking my fingers inside an anus. Its a huge mental block for me.
2. How do you feel about receiving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t enjoy it at all.
e. I have never received anal sex.
f. I have never received anal sex, but would like to start.
C and A. I know, again with the two answers. I'll explain, if it's fingers inserted anally then the answer is C. I don't care much for fingers in my ass, I used to HATE it but it's okay at the right moment under the right circumstances. Now as for penises........I am pretty much a certified ass slut. Love it!
3. How do you feel about getting undressed in front of a new lover, for the first time, as he/she watches you?
a. It’s a turn on for me.
b. It turns me on a little bit.
c. I like it, but only because it gets him/her going.
d. It does nothing for me.
e. I don’t like doing it because I am shy.
f. I don’t like doing it because I think its immoral/improper.
A. I am very shy, so this would be very difficult for me to strip with M really watching me. He's definitely not a new lover, but it would still make me very nervous but it would surely turn me on. It always turns me on when he looks at me.
4. Do you express your sexual pleasure with moans, groans, sighs, and other noises (provided that you are actually turned on)?
a. Yes, each time I have sex (90-100% of the time).
b. Yes, on most occasions (70-89% of the time).
c. Yes, on some occasions (40-69% of the time).
d. Yes, on a few occasions (10-39% of the time).
e. Yes, but only on special occasions (1-9%of the time).
f. Never, not even when I am really turned on.
A. I make noise just about every time I think, and sometimes I can be downright loud. I have changed a bit, I used to be very quiet. I am naturally quiet. I like being a little more vocal, hell everybody likes feedback. But sometimes when I am really, really turned on or in subspace I just fall silent.
5. Do you talk to your partner in a sexually explicit way?
a. Talking dirty is one of our favorite activities.
b. Occasionally, I like to talk dirty with my partner, and I do it with ease.
c. I talk dirty with my partner, but it feels awkward.
d. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but I don’t dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.
e. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but she/he isn’t into it.
f. I don’t talk in such a way because I think it is inappropriate.
g. I don’t talk in such a way because I can’t bring myself to do it.
G.
6. What kind of animal do you most sound like when building to a climax?
a. quiet little mouse
b. low moaning wolf
c. screeching beluga whale
A? I'm honestly not sure how to answer this but I guess most of the time I lean more towards quiet than loud. I think? A mouse seems too quiet, a wolf too loud. How about a purring cat??
Bonus: Which do you prefer comfort sex or thrill-seeking sex? Why?
Comfort seekers value deep intimacy, quiet engagement and trust over time of familiar relationships. For them sex is best as a safe, loving nurturing space.*
Thrill seekers value wild energy, adventure and novelty; they are willing to try open relationships, testing themselves outside average sexual practices. These folks crave a place to push the boundaries of new experiences.*
Both. They cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I can't have truly thrilling, open sex with someone I don't feel a deep intimacy with and trust without a doubt. I can have good sex with someone who I'm not too familiar with, but I really couldn't take things to the next level without feeling something more. I need that connection to be able to let go and have that nasty thrilling sex.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Carpe diem
There has been so much to write, yet so little time to write it. M and I are still going strong. Just where we are going has yet be told, but he's still the boss nonetheless.
There have been so many sexual encounters, too many to pick out one in particular to write about. M and I were able to spend a lot time together over the past few months. This is mostly due to M quitting his job, which was demanding and took up a considerable amount of his time. It has given me time to study him, listen to him, get to know him. I admit I study him. It sounds strange, a bit creepy to admit that but that is just the way I am. I rarely ask questions, but I do research. I listen to his stories about his life, his past, and hold onto them. I prefer listening much more than talking, and I could listen to M talk forever.
I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. About changes I've made, changes I still need to make, mistakes I have made, and all the great things I've learned simply from knowing M. I think about how much I've grown to love M, how something grew from pure lust to an admirable love and deep respect. It doesn't scare me to write it anymore, to see the words flash in front of me. I've been through it all in my head, the doubts, the fears, the telling myself we can't go anywhere, love will only complicate things. But that is what life is; complicated.
I admit I love him, but reality has not left me. The reality is that it's easy to be a couple, but it's much harder to be a family. I have a family, responsibilities, a son who desperately wants a father, and to say that my life is complex and unusual does not even begin to cover it. I'm protective over my family, not ready to let him in that part of my life. I also think he has no real interest, no desire to move into that realm of my life, and is happy to sit on the sideline. Of course I've never asked, it is not in me to do so, but I believe my assumption to be correct.
I wonder if some things are meant to last forever. I guess I can't help but assume that eventually M and I will have to come to an end. It makes me leave up a wall, a wall he's chipped away at, yet still remains. I know M will always remain in my head. He 's one of those people you will think about long after they're gone, a person that leaves an impression in your mind, as well as in your heart. Then there is the sex. I'm in love with M sure, but I am head over heels in love with his cock. It pains me to think of a life without it. I've never experienced the kind of sexual attraction I have with M. It worries me that I may never find it again. I guess the only thing left for me to do is to enjoy it while I still have it, and make the time to write about it.
There have been so many sexual encounters, too many to pick out one in particular to write about. M and I were able to spend a lot time together over the past few months. This is mostly due to M quitting his job, which was demanding and took up a considerable amount of his time. It has given me time to study him, listen to him, get to know him. I admit I study him. It sounds strange, a bit creepy to admit that but that is just the way I am. I rarely ask questions, but I do research. I listen to his stories about his life, his past, and hold onto them. I prefer listening much more than talking, and I could listen to M talk forever.
I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. About changes I've made, changes I still need to make, mistakes I have made, and all the great things I've learned simply from knowing M. I think about how much I've grown to love M, how something grew from pure lust to an admirable love and deep respect. It doesn't scare me to write it anymore, to see the words flash in front of me. I've been through it all in my head, the doubts, the fears, the telling myself we can't go anywhere, love will only complicate things. But that is what life is; complicated.
I admit I love him, but reality has not left me. The reality is that it's easy to be a couple, but it's much harder to be a family. I have a family, responsibilities, a son who desperately wants a father, and to say that my life is complex and unusual does not even begin to cover it. I'm protective over my family, not ready to let him in that part of my life. I also think he has no real interest, no desire to move into that realm of my life, and is happy to sit on the sideline. Of course I've never asked, it is not in me to do so, but I believe my assumption to be correct.
I wonder if some things are meant to last forever. I guess I can't help but assume that eventually M and I will have to come to an end. It makes me leave up a wall, a wall he's chipped away at, yet still remains. I know M will always remain in my head. He 's one of those people you will think about long after they're gone, a person that leaves an impression in your mind, as well as in your heart. Then there is the sex. I'm in love with M sure, but I am head over heels in love with his cock. It pains me to think of a life without it. I've never experienced the kind of sexual attraction I have with M. It worries me that I may never find it again. I guess the only thing left for me to do is to enjoy it while I still have it, and make the time to write about it.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Feed Me
A hungry, insatiable girl needs to be fed. Her starving body constantly calls
for her lover to fulfill her. She waits for her lover to quiet the screams of
her hunger, to heal the ache that bestows her, the ache that disrupts her
thoughts, the ache that leaves her wet and restless, the ache that leaves
her deeply unsatisfied. This aching hunger is never extinguished until her
lover rewards her. Until he rewards her with his praise, with his body, with
his come. This hunger preys upon her, engulfs her, leaves her wanting
more. This hunger is created by her lover, giving him the power to take total
control of her body and her mind.
This starving girl needs the voice of her lover to command her, to love her, to fuck her, to feed her, to break her. Fed not just by his cock, but by his words, by his presence, by his love.
Fed with his words. Words delivered by his voice that feeds her whispers. Whispering words that disrupt her, that move her, that leave her speechless. Words that draw her further into him, leaving her with the echoes of him.
Fed by his presence. His presence electrifies her, propelling her lustful hunger as she waits for him to satisfy her. The sight of him intimidates her, reveals her, arouses her. The scent of him lingering with her, making his presence unforgettably real.
Fed by his love. A love that frightens her, that is untamed. Love she fights against, love unwanted yet splendid. A love brought upon by lust, selfish lust. A love revealed the only way a toy could reveal it.
Fed by his cock. His cock fills her, spreads her, releases her unto him as his. His beautiful toy, his lover to let in or shut out. His cock leaving the taste of him on her lips, the seed of him in her cunt. His cock reminds her what she craves, igniting the hunger once again.
Feed me until I am broken. Feed me so that the words come pouring from me. Feed me so that you can see me, a fuckable toy in love with her fuckable boss. A toy with a dire need to feed you, a dire need to satisfy your hunger, a dire need to belong only to you.
This starving girl needs the voice of her lover to command her, to love her, to fuck her, to feed her, to break her. Fed not just by his cock, but by his words, by his presence, by his love.
Fed with his words. Words delivered by his voice that feeds her whispers. Whispering words that disrupt her, that move her, that leave her speechless. Words that draw her further into him, leaving her with the echoes of him.
Fed by his presence. His presence electrifies her, propelling her lustful hunger as she waits for him to satisfy her. The sight of him intimidates her, reveals her, arouses her. The scent of him lingering with her, making his presence unforgettably real.
Fed by his love. A love that frightens her, that is untamed. Love she fights against, love unwanted yet splendid. A love brought upon by lust, selfish lust. A love revealed the only way a toy could reveal it.
Fed by his cock. His cock fills her, spreads her, releases her unto him as his. His beautiful toy, his lover to let in or shut out. His cock leaving the taste of him on her lips, the seed of him in her cunt. His cock reminds her what she craves, igniting the hunger once again.
Feed me until I am broken. Feed me so that the words come pouring from me. Feed me so that you can see me, a fuckable toy in love with her fuckable boss. A toy with a dire need to feed you, a dire need to satisfy your hunger, a dire need to belong only to you.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
TMI Tuesday
Love, Hate, and Guilty Secrets. We never mind telling people about things we love or hate, but how about the things we love, but would hate for anyone to find out about?
Well, it’s time to free yourself of that fear!
For each of the categories below, list one thing you love, one that you hate, and then, take a deep breath and tell us something you hate to admit you love.
Really.
You’ll feel better for it!
1. Food
I love sushi and just about anything Italian.
I hate guacamole and cheap hot dogs.
My guilty secret is I never eat raw vegetables.
2. Apparel
I love sundresses and really comfy sweat pants.
I hate those really loose maternity style shirts girls are wearing these days. I call them "tit curtain" shirts because it looks like their tits are hiding behind curtains.
My guilty secret is I have a pair of Ugg boots and I LOVE them!
3. Books
I love a book called "Sally Hemings," and just about anything by Nora Roberts.
I hate the Sex and the City book. Liked the show but it is a horrible book.
My guilty secret is I indulge myself by sometimes reading really cheesy and very predictable 'Danielle Steel' type romance novels.
4. Songs
I love a song called "Parabola" by Tool.
I hate the song "Crazy Bitch," and Buckcherry for that matter.
My guilty secret is I like that new song by Usher. I can't believe I like an Usher song.
5. Movie
I love Gone with the Wind and Sling Blade.
I hate Pretty Woman.
My guilty secret is I have enjoyed some Pauly Shore movies.
6. TV Show
I love Family Guy, Dexter, and Californication.
I hate Family Matters. Its the only one that comes to mind, I don't watch many TV shows.
My guilty secret is I love Leave it to Beaver.
7. Celebrity Crush
I love John Stamos.
I hate Rob Schneider.
My guilty secret is I have a crush on Crispin Glover.
8. Music Group
I love Tool.
I hate Nickleback and Seether.
My guilty secret is I love pop. Michael Jackson, Rihanna, Madonna, Britney Spears......
9. Sports Team
I love ? (Sorry, I don't follow any sports!)
I hate watching any sport on TV. Football and golf are especially horrific to watch though.
My guilty secret is I have never been to a pro or college sports game and I never want to!
Bonus:
Sex Position or Sex Act or fetish
I love having great sexual chemistry with M. There are just too many sex acts I love with M to name just one!
I hate when guys slobber all over your vagina when performing oral sex. For me, wetter is NOT better.
My guilty secret is I get aroused by the idea of M forcing me to wear my leash and collar in public.
Wait.....I haven't written about the leash and collar yet. Story for another time.......
Well, it’s time to free yourself of that fear!
For each of the categories below, list one thing you love, one that you hate, and then, take a deep breath and tell us something you hate to admit you love.
Really.
You’ll feel better for it!
1. Food
I love sushi and just about anything Italian.
I hate guacamole and cheap hot dogs.
My guilty secret is I never eat raw vegetables.
2. Apparel
I love sundresses and really comfy sweat pants.
I hate those really loose maternity style shirts girls are wearing these days. I call them "tit curtain" shirts because it looks like their tits are hiding behind curtains.
My guilty secret is I have a pair of Ugg boots and I LOVE them!
3. Books
I love a book called "Sally Hemings," and just about anything by Nora Roberts.
I hate the Sex and the City book. Liked the show but it is a horrible book.
My guilty secret is I indulge myself by sometimes reading really cheesy and very predictable 'Danielle Steel' type romance novels.
4. Songs
I love a song called "Parabola" by Tool.
I hate the song "Crazy Bitch," and Buckcherry for that matter.
My guilty secret is I like that new song by Usher. I can't believe I like an Usher song.
5. Movie
I love Gone with the Wind and Sling Blade.
I hate Pretty Woman.
My guilty secret is I have enjoyed some Pauly Shore movies.
6. TV Show
I love Family Guy, Dexter, and Californication.
I hate Family Matters. Its the only one that comes to mind, I don't watch many TV shows.
My guilty secret is I love Leave it to Beaver.
7. Celebrity Crush
I love John Stamos.
I hate Rob Schneider.
My guilty secret is I have a crush on Crispin Glover.
8. Music Group
I love Tool.
I hate Nickleback and Seether.
My guilty secret is I love pop. Michael Jackson, Rihanna, Madonna, Britney Spears......
9. Sports Team
I love ? (Sorry, I don't follow any sports!)
I hate watching any sport on TV. Football and golf are especially horrific to watch though.
My guilty secret is I have never been to a pro or college sports game and I never want to!
Bonus:
Sex Position or Sex Act or fetish
I love having great sexual chemistry with M. There are just too many sex acts I love with M to name just one!
I hate when guys slobber all over your vagina when performing oral sex. For me, wetter is NOT better.
My guilty secret is I get aroused by the idea of M forcing me to wear my leash and collar in public.
Wait.....I haven't written about the leash and collar yet. Story for another time.......
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Four Letter Words
Love and Fear. The two seem to go hand in hand with my
emotions these days. I have been in love with M for some time now, and it scares
me. It makes me feel guilty, uneasy, splendid. Previous to M, I have only loved two men before,
and loving my husband was incredibly easy. I never had to guess with my husband,
his actions and words made it perfectly clear where his heart was. With M it is
much more complicated. I know he cares, but just how much he cares is not
clear.
I told M that I loved him at the worst possible time. It's not that it was dishonest, it was what I thinking and feeling at the time. I just wish I had told him at a time when his penis was not inserted in any orifice of my body. I feel like I cheapened it, like the words would have held more value if I hadn't of screamed it while being fucked in the ass. I wanted M to feel the words, I wanted to watch his expression after I told him, to kiss him and tell him how dear he is to me. Instead I feel as though I butchered it, and now I'm left feeling like an ass. Pun intended.
At first I didn't tell M I loved him for insanely stupid and insecure reasons. Reasons like;
"What if he doesn't feel the same way?"
"What if it scares him off?"
"Is it too soon to tell him?"
"I don't really know him THAT well...."
And of course the worst case scenario......"What if he doesn't say it back!!???!"
Yeah, I'm an idiot. I got over all of these 'problems' and came to realize a few things. Whether or not M loves me will not change the fact that I love him. That is where I am whether he is there with me or not.
If telling him I love him seriously scares him away, then I'm better off. I can't live my life based on what will make a man disappear. If someone is ready to move on, they will move on despite the best of efforts. Would it hurt? Yes. Would I miss him? Yes. Would my life go on? Yes. It would be better to clear the air now than to be more devastated later on.
Is it too soon? I don't know but it still doesn't change how I feel. Yes, there are still a lot of things about M that I don't know. There are still things about my husband that I learn about even though we were together for years. I know that just because you don't know every detail about someones life doesn't mean you can't love them.
As for the worst case scenario, I'm over that too. At first this was probably my biggest concern. What if I tell him I love him and then there is just uncomfortable awkward silence? Would I burst into tears, or feel hurt and angry? Would I just feel like a fool for telling him I loved him only for him to stare at me blankly? Of course there was the potential for any of these things to happen but I knew I was being irrational.
I know I am just looking for excuses not to tell him and all of that thinking led to a new fear.....what if I tell him I love him and he just says it back to spare my feelings? Would he think that he has to tell me he loves me so that I will continue to see him? Now I'm beginning to think that a silent answer may be the best answer. I want to tell him, I want him to feel the words, I want to make him think about me. I don't want, "I love you too," echoed back to me. I want his sincerity, not his on the spot answer. I want him to reflect. A smile, a kiss, a caress, some kind of acknowledgement of the words would be more than enough for me.
I realize the selfishness of these thoughts. I understand my reluctance, but I know that I am holding onto the words out of fear. Even if M isn't in love with me and never loves me it doesn't change my heart. One of the greatest gifts we can give is love. I wanted to give M that gift because he deserves it. What he chooses to do with it is on him. Holding onto the words isn't making me wise, it's eating me alive. I don't love him simply because I want his love in return, I love him because I just do.
But things still aren't settled. This brain has produced a new set of problems. Now I worry that he will think I'm expecting things to change. I worry that he will think I am looking for a replacement for my husband, that I will demand more of him, demand things he cannot give. I worry that he won't take me seriously, that he will just think of me as a silly girl who is too emotionally unstable to know she's in love. What if he's right? What if I just think I'm in love but it's a mistake? What if I am just confused? I worry that he will think of me as just a slut, incapable of really loving anyone. Would it be foolish to invest in someone like me? Is that what he thinks of me? That I am extremely fuckable but unlovable?
I still have not mustered up the courage to say it. It is hard for me to write it, even harder to publish this. But this is part of the reason why I have this blog, to relieve myself of the things I can't say, the things I can't make sense of.
I told M that I loved him at the worst possible time. It's not that it was dishonest, it was what I thinking and feeling at the time. I just wish I had told him at a time when his penis was not inserted in any orifice of my body. I feel like I cheapened it, like the words would have held more value if I hadn't of screamed it while being fucked in the ass. I wanted M to feel the words, I wanted to watch his expression after I told him, to kiss him and tell him how dear he is to me. Instead I feel as though I butchered it, and now I'm left feeling like an ass. Pun intended.
At first I didn't tell M I loved him for insanely stupid and insecure reasons. Reasons like;
"What if he doesn't feel the same way?"
"What if it scares him off?"
"Is it too soon to tell him?"
"I don't really know him THAT well...."
And of course the worst case scenario......"What if he doesn't say it back!!???!"
Yeah, I'm an idiot. I got over all of these 'problems' and came to realize a few things. Whether or not M loves me will not change the fact that I love him. That is where I am whether he is there with me or not.
If telling him I love him seriously scares him away, then I'm better off. I can't live my life based on what will make a man disappear. If someone is ready to move on, they will move on despite the best of efforts. Would it hurt? Yes. Would I miss him? Yes. Would my life go on? Yes. It would be better to clear the air now than to be more devastated later on.
Is it too soon? I don't know but it still doesn't change how I feel. Yes, there are still a lot of things about M that I don't know. There are still things about my husband that I learn about even though we were together for years. I know that just because you don't know every detail about someones life doesn't mean you can't love them.
As for the worst case scenario, I'm over that too. At first this was probably my biggest concern. What if I tell him I love him and then there is just uncomfortable awkward silence? Would I burst into tears, or feel hurt and angry? Would I just feel like a fool for telling him I loved him only for him to stare at me blankly? Of course there was the potential for any of these things to happen but I knew I was being irrational.
I know I am just looking for excuses not to tell him and all of that thinking led to a new fear.....what if I tell him I love him and he just says it back to spare my feelings? Would he think that he has to tell me he loves me so that I will continue to see him? Now I'm beginning to think that a silent answer may be the best answer. I want to tell him, I want him to feel the words, I want to make him think about me. I don't want, "I love you too," echoed back to me. I want his sincerity, not his on the spot answer. I want him to reflect. A smile, a kiss, a caress, some kind of acknowledgement of the words would be more than enough for me.
I realize the selfishness of these thoughts. I understand my reluctance, but I know that I am holding onto the words out of fear. Even if M isn't in love with me and never loves me it doesn't change my heart. One of the greatest gifts we can give is love. I wanted to give M that gift because he deserves it. What he chooses to do with it is on him. Holding onto the words isn't making me wise, it's eating me alive. I don't love him simply because I want his love in return, I love him because I just do.
But things still aren't settled. This brain has produced a new set of problems. Now I worry that he will think I'm expecting things to change. I worry that he will think I am looking for a replacement for my husband, that I will demand more of him, demand things he cannot give. I worry that he won't take me seriously, that he will just think of me as a silly girl who is too emotionally unstable to know she's in love. What if he's right? What if I just think I'm in love but it's a mistake? What if I am just confused? I worry that he will think of me as just a slut, incapable of really loving anyone. Would it be foolish to invest in someone like me? Is that what he thinks of me? That I am extremely fuckable but unlovable?
I still have not mustered up the courage to say it. It is hard for me to write it, even harder to publish this. But this is part of the reason why I have this blog, to relieve myself of the things I can't say, the things I can't make sense of.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Still in the Air
I intended to continue on from the previous post. I was going to go into great detail about what happened between M and I. It's nothing tragic, I will summarize but I can't go into great detail. It is embarrassing for me, and for some reason it seems too personal to write about.
M and I had anal sex that night. We had incredible sex beforehand, and M whispered to me that he wanted all of me. How could I refuse? I was unsure, scared, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if I was ready for anal sex. I had anal sex with my husband quite a few times but this was different.
I will admit that I'm weird about anal sex. Sure I can have casual sex, but I can't have casual anal sex. I just couldn't let a guy I had casual feelings for insert his cock into my ass. I don't know why exactly, I just couldn't. For me, anal sex is a greatly submissive and emotional experience. It takes a great deal of trust for me to even consider doing it. I worried that M and I would view the experience in totally different ways. I guess I wanted him to treasure it and not just take it. This led to me over thinking, which led to me freaking out about the whole thing.
I remember feeling pulled into two different directions. Part of me didn't want to do it. I knew it would hurt, but I couldn't help being insanely aroused at the idea. My desire to submit to M was overwhelmingly strong. I didn't want to deny him, and I knew he wanted it all.
I remember trembling with fear. M whispered soothing words into my ear, my guard slowly crumbled away. Eventually and slowly we got there. It hurt initially, it was hard for me to allow those first several inches in. He fucked my ass gently, rubbing my clitoris and fingering me while inside my ass. He taunted me, telling me I was such a slut to let him finger my pussy while he fucked my ass. I was soaking wet. It was starting to feel good, and I hated that it had begun to feel good. I was ashamed of the sensations. M always said that I would like anal sex with him, and I wanted to prove him wrong.
Then it happened. M was fucking my ass, and I said it. I said "I love you," while M was in mid stroke. With his cock buried deep inside my ass is when I decide to tell him I love him. This is the time I chose to make such an announcement. Really??? I was caught up in the moment, the emotions took over everything and I think I sort of screamed it. I know I said it more than once, and I'm not too sure how many times I said it. As soon I finished screaming it I remember feeling like a total idiot. I don't remember if M said anything afterwards. I think he may have moaned or grunted after I said it, but he could of said, "There are pigs on the roof," and it wouldn't have registered at that moment.
Shortly after my announcement M comes inside my ass. I remember the relief I felt that my outburst did not screw with him enough to make him unable to orgasm. I'm pretty sure I was overreacting but I felt really embarrassed. I was trembling badly, and I was eager to leave. It wasn't that I was really embarrassed for him to know that I am in love with him, I just felt awkward about it. I didn't know if I should say anything or what he would take the words to mean. I figured he would interpret the words to mean, "I love your cock," more than, "I love you," because of the circumstances in which I said it. I felt foolish and as though I ruined the moment.
It always feels like I am saying the wrong things. I'll write more on this later........
M and I had anal sex that night. We had incredible sex beforehand, and M whispered to me that he wanted all of me. How could I refuse? I was unsure, scared, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if I was ready for anal sex. I had anal sex with my husband quite a few times but this was different.
I will admit that I'm weird about anal sex. Sure I can have casual sex, but I can't have casual anal sex. I just couldn't let a guy I had casual feelings for insert his cock into my ass. I don't know why exactly, I just couldn't. For me, anal sex is a greatly submissive and emotional experience. It takes a great deal of trust for me to even consider doing it. I worried that M and I would view the experience in totally different ways. I guess I wanted him to treasure it and not just take it. This led to me over thinking, which led to me freaking out about the whole thing.
I remember feeling pulled into two different directions. Part of me didn't want to do it. I knew it would hurt, but I couldn't help being insanely aroused at the idea. My desire to submit to M was overwhelmingly strong. I didn't want to deny him, and I knew he wanted it all.
I remember trembling with fear. M whispered soothing words into my ear, my guard slowly crumbled away. Eventually and slowly we got there. It hurt initially, it was hard for me to allow those first several inches in. He fucked my ass gently, rubbing my clitoris and fingering me while inside my ass. He taunted me, telling me I was such a slut to let him finger my pussy while he fucked my ass. I was soaking wet. It was starting to feel good, and I hated that it had begun to feel good. I was ashamed of the sensations. M always said that I would like anal sex with him, and I wanted to prove him wrong.
Then it happened. M was fucking my ass, and I said it. I said "I love you," while M was in mid stroke. With his cock buried deep inside my ass is when I decide to tell him I love him. This is the time I chose to make such an announcement. Really??? I was caught up in the moment, the emotions took over everything and I think I sort of screamed it. I know I said it more than once, and I'm not too sure how many times I said it. As soon I finished screaming it I remember feeling like a total idiot. I don't remember if M said anything afterwards. I think he may have moaned or grunted after I said it, but he could of said, "There are pigs on the roof," and it wouldn't have registered at that moment.
Shortly after my announcement M comes inside my ass. I remember the relief I felt that my outburst did not screw with him enough to make him unable to orgasm. I'm pretty sure I was overreacting but I felt really embarrassed. I was trembling badly, and I was eager to leave. It wasn't that I was really embarrassed for him to know that I am in love with him, I just felt awkward about it. I didn't know if I should say anything or what he would take the words to mean. I figured he would interpret the words to mean, "I love your cock," more than, "I love you," because of the circumstances in which I said it. I felt foolish and as though I ruined the moment.
It always feels like I am saying the wrong things. I'll write more on this later........
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