There has been so much to write, yet so little time to write it. M and I are still going strong. Just where we are going has yet be told, but he's still the boss nonetheless.
There have been so many sexual encounters, too many to pick out one in particular to write about. M and I were able to spend a lot time together over the past few months. This is mostly due to M quitting his job, which was demanding and took up a considerable amount of his time. It has given me time to study him, listen to him, get to know him. I admit I study him. It sounds strange, a bit creepy to admit that but that is just the way I am. I rarely ask questions, but I do research. I listen to his stories about his life, his past, and hold onto them. I prefer listening much more than talking, and I could listen to M talk forever.
I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. About changes I've made, changes I still need to make, mistakes I have made, and all the great things I've learned simply from knowing M. I think about how much I've grown to love M, how something grew from pure lust to an admirable love and deep respect. It doesn't scare me to write it anymore, to see the words flash in front of me. I've been through it all in my head, the doubts, the fears, the telling myself we can't go anywhere, love will only complicate things. But that is what life is; complicated.
I admit I love him, but reality has not left me. The reality is that it's easy to be a couple, but it's much harder to be a family. I have a family, responsibilities, a son who desperately wants a father, and to say that my life is complex and unusual does not even begin to cover it. I'm protective over my family, not ready to let him in that part of my life. I also think he has no real interest, no desire to move into that realm of my life, and is happy to sit on the sideline. Of course I've never asked, it is not in me to do so, but I believe my assumption to be correct.
I wonder if some things are meant to last forever. I guess I can't help but assume that eventually M and I will have to come to an end. It makes me leave up a wall, a wall he's chipped away at, yet still remains. I know M will always remain in my head. He 's one of those people you will think about long after they're gone, a person that leaves an impression in your mind, as well as in your heart. Then there is the sex. I'm in love with M sure, but I am head over heels in love with his cock. It pains me to think of a life without it. I've never experienced the kind of sexual attraction I have with M. It worries me that I may never find it again. I guess the only thing left for me to do is to enjoy it while I still have it, and make the time to write about it.
