Still in the Air

I intended to continue on from the previous post.  I was going to go into great detail about what happened between M and I.  It's nothing tragic, I will summarize but I can't go into great detail.  It is embarrassing for me, and for some reason it seems too personal to write about.

M and I had anal sex that night.  We had incredible sex beforehand, and M whispered to me that he wanted all of me.  How could I refuse?  I was unsure, scared, I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know if I was ready for anal sex.  I had anal sex with my husband quite a few times but this was different.

I will admit that I'm weird about anal sex.  Sure I can have casual sex, but I can't have casual anal sex.  I just couldn't let a guy I had casual feelings for insert his cock into my ass.  I don't know why exactly, I just couldn't.  For me, anal sex is a greatly submissive and emotional experience.  It takes a great deal of trust for me to even consider doing it.  I worried that M and I would view the experience in totally different ways.  I guess I wanted him to treasure it and not just take it.  This led to me over thinking, which led to me freaking out about the whole thing.   

I remember feeling pulled into two different directions.  Part of me didn't want to do it.  I knew it would hurt, but I couldn't help being insanely aroused at the idea.  My desire to submit to M was overwhelmingly strong.  I didn't want to deny him, and I knew he wanted it all.

I remember trembling with fear.  M whispered soothing words into my ear, my guard slowly crumbled away.  Eventually and slowly we got there.  It hurt initially, it was hard for me to allow those first several inches in.  He fucked my ass gently, rubbing my clitoris and fingering me while inside my ass.  He taunted me, telling me I was such a slut to let him finger my pussy while he fucked my ass.  I was soaking wet.  It was starting to feel good, and I hated that it had begun to feel good.  I was ashamed of the sensations.  M always said that I would like anal sex with him, and I wanted to prove him wrong.

Then it happened.  M was fucking my ass, and I said it.  I said "I love you," while M was in mid stroke. With his cock buried deep inside my ass is when I decide to tell him I love him.  This is the time I chose to make such an announcement.  Really???  I was caught up in the moment, the emotions took over everything and I think I sort of screamed it.  I know I said it more than once, and I'm not too sure how many times I said it.  As soon I finished screaming it I remember feeling like a total idiot.  I don't remember if M said anything afterwards.  I think he may have moaned or grunted after I said it, but he could of said, "There are pigs on the roof," and it wouldn't have registered at that moment. 

Shortly after my announcement M comes inside my ass.  I remember the relief I felt that my outburst did not screw with him enough to make him unable to orgasm.  I'm pretty sure I was overreacting but I felt really embarrassed.  I was trembling badly, and I was eager to leave.  It wasn't that I was really embarrassed for him to know that I am in love with him, I just felt awkward about it.  I didn't know if I should say anything or what he would take the words to mean.  I figured he would interpret the words to mean, "I love your cock," more than, "I love you," because of the circumstances in which I said it.  I felt foolish and as though I ruined the moment. 

It always feels like I am saying the wrong things.  I'll write more on this later........