Four Letter Words

Love and Fear.  The two seem to go hand in hand with my emotions these days.  I have been in love with M for some time now, and it scares me.  It makes me feel guilty, uneasy, splendid.  Previous to M, I have only loved two men before, and loving my husband was incredibly easy.  I never had to guess with my husband, his actions and words made it perfectly clear where his heart was.  With M it is much more complicated.  I know he cares, but just how much he cares is not clear.

I told M that I loved him at the worst possible time.  It's not that it was dishonest, it was what I thinking and feeling at the time.  I just wish I had told him at a time when his penis was not inserted in any orifice of my body.  I feel like I cheapened it, like the words would have held more value if I hadn't of screamed it while being fucked in the ass.  I wanted M to feel the words, I wanted to watch his expression after I told him, to kiss him and tell him how dear he is to me.  Instead I feel as though I butchered it, and now I'm left feeling like an ass.  Pun intended.

At first I didn't tell M I loved him for insanely stupid and insecure reasons. Reasons like;

"What if he doesn't feel the same way?"
"What if it scares him off?"
"Is it too soon to tell him?"
"I don't really know him THAT well...."

And of course the worst case scenario......"What if he doesn't say it back!!???!"

Yeah, I'm an idiot.  I got over all of these 'problems' and came to realize a few things.  Whether or not M loves me will not change the fact that I love him.  That is where I am whether he is there with me or not. 

If telling him I love him seriously scares him away, then I'm better off.  I can't live my life based on what will make a man disappear.  If someone is ready to move on, they will move on despite the best of efforts.  Would it hurt?  Yes. Would I miss him?  Yes.  Would my life go on?  Yes.  It would be better to clear the air now than to be more devastated later on. 

Is it too soon?  I don't know but it still doesn't change how I feel.  Yes, there are still a lot of things about M that I don't know.  There are still things about my husband that I learn about even though we were together for years.  I know that just because you don't know every detail about someones life doesn't mean you can't love them.

As for the worst case scenario, I'm over that too.  At first this was probably my biggest concern. What if I tell him I love him and then there is just uncomfortable awkward silence?  Would I burst into tears, or feel hurt and angry?  Would I just feel like a fool for telling him I loved him only for him to stare at me blankly?  Of course there was the potential for any of these things to happen but I knew I was being irrational.

 I know I am just looking for excuses not to tell him and all of that thinking led to a new fear.....what if I tell him I love him and he just says it back to spare my feelings?  Would he think that he has to tell me he loves me so that I will continue to see him?  Now I'm beginning to think that a silent answer may be the best answer.  I want to tell him, I want him to feel the words, I want to make him think about me.  I don't want, "I love you too," echoed back to me.  I want his sincerity, not his on the spot answer.  I want him to reflect.  A smile, a kiss, a caress, some kind of acknowledgement of the words would be more than enough for me. 

I realize the selfishness of these thoughts.  I understand my reluctance, but I know that I am holding onto the words out of fear.  Even if M isn't in love with me and never loves me it doesn't change my heart.  One of the greatest gifts we can give is love.  I wanted to give M that gift because he deserves it.  What he chooses to do with it is on him.  Holding onto the words isn't making me wise, it's eating me alive.  I don't love him simply because I want his love in return, I love him because I just do.

But things still aren't settled.  This brain has produced a new set of problems.  Now I worry that he will think I'm expecting things to change.  I worry that he will think I am looking for a replacement for my husband, that I will demand more of him, demand things he cannot give.  I worry that he won't take me seriously, that he will just think of me as a silly girl who is too emotionally unstable to know she's in love.  What if he's right?  What if I just think I'm in love but it's a mistake? What if I am just confused?   I worry that he will think of me as just a slut, incapable of really loving anyone. Would it be foolish to invest in someone like me?  Is that what he thinks of me?  That I am extremely fuckable but unlovable?

I still have not mustered up the courage to say it.  It is hard for me to write it, even harder to publish this.  But this is part of the reason why I have this blog, to relieve myself of the things I can't say, the things I can't make sense of.