In the Air Tonight

I've got that feeling. The feeling that something is going to change. I'm not sure what, and I'm not sure how, but I can sense that things will no longer be exactly how they once were.

I am really hoping to see M on this particular night, its been a few days since I saw him and I've had a real craving for him the last few days. M pays me a visit while I'm at work, and I always enjoy that. I know M worries that he takes time from me when he visits me at work, but I don't feel that way. I like it because it gives us a chance to talk, and his visits always seems to build some sexual tension which I know will be taken care of later. I also don't feel bad if I need to leave M for a little bit, I know he can amuse himself without my presence.

On this particular night, M seems a bit drunk when he comes in. He's in a sillier mood than usual which always seems to happen when he's been drinking. M denies being drunk, and perhaps he isn't, but he is being really playful.   

There comes a time during the night when M asks me what I think attracts him to me . The question is a bit off the radar and I don't know how to answer it. It seems too broad of a question, as by now I hope there are multiple things about me that hold his interest and not just one thing. I also didn't think to ask him if he means physical or mental attributes, or both. I also don't really like having serious conversations at work so I usually avoid them as I try to keep the mood "light" in a strip club. In the hope that M will just tell me the answer, I give him a silly reply. It's a reply that I regret, a reply that didn't attempt to answer his question seriously. I wish I would have just said, "I don't know M, but I would love to know." That answer would have at least been honest.

I turn the tables and ask him the same question. He gives a silly response as well and tells me to find my own game, not steal his. Fair enough I think. I tell him he doesn't need to wonder about what attracts me, he already knows. He doesn't deny it but he never tells me why he is attracted to me. Then he makes a reference to an actress but doesn't tell me what the reference has to do with me or with what we are discussing. He then tells me that he doesn't want to tell me [what attracts him to me] because it might go away. This bothers me because it implied that there is this one 'thing' holding his attention to me and if weren't for this 'thing' I wouldn't be nearly as interesting. Now on top of wondering what this 'thing' is, I also have to worry about it disappearing and M following along with it. I know I am probably reading WAY too much into this but I hate it when something is brought up and then not explained. I just wonder why he mentioned anything at all.

I know there is much more to his side of the story than this, and I do feel that M genuinely cares about me. On what level he cares for me I really don't know, but I couldn't do the things I do with him if I felt that he didn't care. This is just an honest account of how I felt at the time.
My annoyance with M reached an all time high, and I don't know why it bothered me as much as it did. I told him I was annoyed and he said something to the effect of, "I don't care you are going to choke on my cock anyway." I don't think M meant it to sound demeaning (I also didn't remember that I had sent him a text earlier that day about choking on his cock) but it registered wrong with me. I felt belittled, disposable, and deemed unworthy of knowing even basic information about how M feels about me while being reduced to a wet hole for his pleasure. My first instinct is to tell him to go fuck himself and get dressed and go home. I'm glad I just remained silent so I could think about why I was having such a strong response to this conversation. If we had been having this conversation a few months ago, it wouldn't have gotten under my skin. 
I know that I've been on edge the last few days, and I also know that there is something I have wanted to get off my chest myself but I have been too chicken shit to do so. I drop the matter, and after awhile anger and annoyance disappear. 

Off topic for a sec, but I've noticed some appearances of bitchiness towards M over the last few weeks. I feel like I snapped at him once via text message when I knew he was trying be helpful. I also made a snide comment about a former fling of his. I don't why I did it, I genuinely like her (we weren't buddies but I've spoken with her and I worked with her several times) yet I insulted her looks and weight, then teased him a bit for having sex with her. While it's true that I do not find her to be beautiful, she is in no way horrible looking and I can understand her appeal. She is bubbly, and seems to be a fun person to be around. I always liked her energy and she was always very nice to me. She also had a good sense of humor, a nice smile, and I always liked the sound of her voice even if she did talk a wee bit too much at times. She had good qualities yet I insulted her and him. An average/cute/interesting person will always trump a beautiful/sexy/boring person. At least for me. She was interesting. I know she wanted more than he was willing to give at the time but perhaps she was a great fuck as well. I had no business bringing her up and I was behaving like a jealous asshole, which is not me at all. I've been a jerk to folks lately and it's misdirected anger.

The night comes to a close and M tells me to go get changed. I do love when he flexes his dom muscles a little bit. I get changed and go to M's house. I hurry and don't want to waste a single minute. He's surprised by my quick arrival and we embrace in the kitchen. It doesn't take long before M takes me to his bedroom. That is where things change with M forever, and a new beginning emerges.