Days pass, yet I feel like I'm moving backward rather than forward. I feel old. I feel like I have wasted a lot of my life. I feel completely fragile. And unsexy. Hell, to tell you the truth I feel downright ugly. My dissatisfaction with my life is taking its toll on me. I want to change, I take the steps to change but then that voice tells you that you're stupid. That you aren't beautiful no matter what anyone tells you. Don't kid yourself. Don't do it. You're not smart enough and you'll fail and look foolish.
No matter how many times I tell that voice to shut the fuck up, it pries its way back in. I'm waiting for the facade to be over. The girl who pretends that everything is okay, when really nothing is okay. The girl who pretends to be confident when she's anything but. The girl who desperately needs to feel love from someone but is too afraid to ask for it. That's what I'm waiting for. For the last shoe to drop.
Welcome back Bella!
ReplyDeleteI hope your insecurities will go away soon and you will become that wild and confident girl again ;)
What, having a mid-life crisis already? :-)
ReplyDeleteYou're fine, sweet girl. Just write what you feel, when you feel like it, and take each day as it comes.
XO
We all go through it, exactly what you are describing, and, as the ads say, "It gets better."
ReplyDeleteIf you want to change, change. but change wisely. Pick one thing to work on, health, sleep, writing letters to friends, getting off the computer (not to be confused with 'getting off with the computer'), change is hard, tough, difficult, but never impossible.
Choose one thing, get control, move ahead, and, when you need that shot of love, drop me a line and we'll talk.